Trusting

First of all, I feel terrible that I haven't posted an update for my readers concerning my pregnancy. Things are going very well, the baby is healthy and so am I. Since my last post we have confirmed that we are having a baby girl and that I am due December 6th. I have refrained from posting pregnancy updates here on this blog, because I know I have a lot of readers who are going through infertility or have recently experienced pregnancy loss and I want my blog to be an encouragement, not another painful reminder of what they have wanted so much but don't yet have. That being said, for those of you who would like to keep up with my pregnancy and its progression, feel free to visit my new blog - dearariana.blogspot.com - a journal to my newest daughter.

The pregnancy has been going well, but I'm not always doing as well emotionally as I would like to. Honestly, for the most part, I am much more together than I thought I would be. And most days I am joyful and grateful and elated at this new life God has brought into our family. But I do have days of fear.

A few weeks ago I started feeling real bumps and kicks from this little one. It was so exciting and reassuring to know that she was moving in there and doing okay. The movements weren't frequent, but I felt a little something each day and breathed a sigh of relief each time that I did. And then one day I didn't. By late afternoon, I realized it had been more than twenty-four hours since I had felt her and I was panicking. How could she stay still all day long if she was fine? I prayed and begged God to make her move, to let me feel her. Five minutes later, I felt a little wiggle and just wept. Tears of relief, tears of shame for not trusting Him with her, tears of joy that she was still alive. I told myself I wouldn't worry like that again. It was silly.

But later that week came two days in a row of nothing. No movements. No kicks, no flutters. The panic was bigger this time. The fear was so real. I knew in my mind that at seventeen weeks pregnant it was completely normal to feel the baby move on some days and not on others. But my heart knew that sometimes bad things happen despite the good odds. I have been hurt so many times. I can't unknow what I know now. That babies don't always thrive. That sometimes there is no explanation, but a baby just moves on to eternity without warning. Was it unlikely that something bad had happened to her? Yes. But was that enough for me? No.

I prayed.

I talked with God like He was sitting next to me. I told Him that I wanted to be sure she was fine. I begged Him to show me. He replied.

"Trust Me."

Haven't I been through this over and over again? Every time I had a negative pregnancy test. "Trust Me." Every time I had a positive test. "Trust Me." Every time I had a scary doctor's appointment. "Trust Me." Every time I sent another baby to be with Him. "Trust Me."

How many times do I have to relearn this? Trusting has nothing to do with understanding. It means knowing that God is in control even when I don't understand. It means believing that all things do work towards a purpose and using the hard parts of my life to grow and fulfill my own purpose - the purpose of glorifying my heavenly Father.

That night He didn't nudge my little baby. I didn't feel her move. But He gave me peace anyway. He told me to remember that He was holding her in His hands, that He created her for a purpose, and that I could trust Him. The panic subsided and I let the peace in and fell asleep, knowing that God could watch over my sweet little one better than I ever could.

The next day I did feel her move. And the following day, and the day after that. And now some days she dances so hard that it almost makes me uncomfortable. And I love every moment of it.

The doctor tells me I have nothing to worry about. God tells me that worrying does no good. I know that the worry that sometimes creeps in is robbing me of the joy I am supposed to be experiencing. I can't say that I have not had a single moment of worry since that night. I'm not sure it will ever go away completely. But I am able now to recognize my worry for what it is, take it to God, and exchange it for the peace and joy that He wants me to have.

If you are waiting for something, if you are struggling with something, if you have lost something, or someone, I hope you can find a way to trust God even before you see the purpose He has in it.

And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
   -- Philippians 4:7 KJV

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