Showing posts from November, 2012

Finding Comfort

Today’s post is for my friends and readers who have experienced infertility, pregnancy loss, or infant loss. If you haven’t experienced these things, you may not understand. But if you have, I hope you will feel encouraged in the fact that you are not alone. You are not crazy. What you are going through is normal.

Grief is a strange thing. Just when I think I understand my grief and how it works it takes a turn and does something different. I am learning that it comes in waves. It has been three years since my first ectopic pregnancy. It has been three months since my second. It has been one month since my third loss, which was by miscarriage. I have been hoping for a successful pregnancy for over 18 months now and it feels farther away than ever.

Some days I am optimistic. Some days I feel strong. Most days I feel like I am healing. Yesterday was not one of those days. It was as if the tide of my grief was rolling in unexpectedly. I had no idea it would come. I had been dealing with th…

Naming The Child

As I have gone through my journey of loss I have come to know and talk with many other women who have experienced their own losses. It’s almost like you are initiated into a club of sorts when you lose a baby. Certainly, before I experienced the loss of my first baby I had no idea how to be there for my friends who went through it. I have said before that losing my sweet babies doesn’t define me as a person, but it has changed who I am. It is as if my world has shifted and I see it in a different way than I did before. In some ways, my world is darker. I have seen a kind of tragedy that cannot be unseen. But in some ways, it is also clearer. I can see things I never saw before. I can see how unfeeling I must have come across to those I knew who experienced a similar loss before I did.  I didn’t know what to say and was afraid of saying the wrong thing, so I simply said nothing. I didn’t bring it up. I didn’t ask how they were doing. Now I know better. I know that the babies we lose ar…

Nobody Knew You

Recently I received a book from someone I haven't seen in a very long time. In fact, my aunt and her mother are good friends but I haven't seen her since I was a young girl. But through the magic of the internet her mother learned about my blog and my story and sent me a link to her daughter's own blog post about miscarriage. It ministered to my heart in a great way and validated so much of what I was going through. I sent her a note to thank her for sharing her heart and she sent me a book! It is called Naming the Child by Jenny Shroedel. I started reading it this morning and already it has been a blessing to me. It's amazing the people God chooses to use to speak to us if we are just willing to listen - and I'm so glad He chose to use a friend from long ago to be an encouragement to me in this way!

All that being said, as I opened to the first chapter of the book I read this poem and it struck a chord with me. It is exactly how I have felt many times. I hope that…

Who's In Control?

Exodus 14:14 - “The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace.”

I have been fighting a battle. I have wrestled with the Lord. I have wrestled with myself. I have wrestled with my dreams. For years I have been fighting for control.

Most women do it - we plan our lives out while we’re still young. This was my plan:

- graduate college in four years and get a job
- live single for a couple of years and then marry at 23
- quit my job and have my first child at 25
- have my second child by age 28 - that would leave me time to have two more if I decided to.

I read that plan now and I laugh. Because so far, nothing has gone according to my plan. And when I think specifically about each deviation from the plan I notice that it’s not that the things I want aren’t good for me, but my timeline has been demolished.

Here is how my story reads so far:

- finished college in five years (going to three different schools)
- got a job, lost that job, found a different job
- lived single for t…