I'm Not Good Enough

Last week my littlest clamored for my attention. “Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!” I was busy trying to balance the bank account and finally stopped, rolled my eyes, and said, “WHAT?!” less patiently than I should have.
I wish I were a better mom.
I tried to make a meal in my new pressure cooker and it didn’t turn out very well. I hesitated in the kitchen wishing I didn’t have to tell my husband that we would need to just eat sandwiches for dinner.
I wish I were a better cook.
I had to cancel plans with a friend because I double booked myself on Saturday and just couldn’t do both things. It’s been weeks since we have spent quality time together.
I wish I were a better friend.
I pushed my husband away when he lingered for a longer kiss because I was in a hurry to finish cleaning the kitchen. As if the mess would get worse in those few seconds. He acted like it didn’t bother him, but I know it did.
I wish I were a better wife.
I was late to the school library on my day to volunteer. The other helpers…

Finding Joy

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness."
            -- James 1:2-3

I love how the Bible is full of reminders that God can use terrible circumstances for our good. He wants us to count our trials as a joy. It sounds so strange at first, to think that God wants me to find joy in the midst of life's trials. But in order to understand what this really means, we have to understand that joy and happiness are not the same.

I read this morning in my devotions this excellent explanation of the difference between happiness and joy.

"Happiness is based on our current situation, while joy is based on our future. We may not be happy if we lose our jobs, break our legs, or wreck our cars. But we can have joy in knowing that in spite of all these things, God is good."

Do you know this joy? I know for me, there have been times when it has been hard to find. Every time tragedy st…

That The Works of God Might Be Displayed

Gosh, life is hard, isn't it? This morning, I woke up, got ready for the day, and spent some quiet time in the Scriptures while my 3-year-old (my miracle baby) sang and talked to herself in her bedroom. After my devotions, and only slightly less important, my morning coffee, I woke up my 1st grader and got my 3-year-old out of bed. "Mommy, my cold fever is back! I need a snuggle!" she told me. I took her temperature (she was right), and snuggled with her on the couch while periodically shouting at my older daughter to get dressed for school. When she came out and said she wasn't hungry for breakfast, the thermometer came out again and I told her she could change out of her school uniform and into something else because she wasn't going to school today.

I logged onto Facebook for the zillionth time this morning to see if there were any new updates. A family in our class at church has a baby in the PICU at the Children's Hospital. After an accident, she has mul…

I Am One In Four

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Did you know that? Did you know that one in four pregnancies ends in a miscarriage or pregnancy loss? Several years ago, I didn’t know it either. It seems to be one of those things you don’t notice until you lose a baby.

I lost a baby. I lost four babies. And the losses changed me. After the excitement of deciding that we were ready to have a baby, my husband and I were shocked when we sat in the doctor’s office and learned that I had an ectopic pregnancy. I didn’t even know what an ectopic pregnancy was. I had never heard that term before. The education was swift and painful. The baby had never made it to my uterus. It was growing in my fallopian tube and there was nothing anyone could do to save it. I said goodbye to my baby on the same day that I learned he existed.

Some healing came when I gave birth to a healthy baby girl the next year. Penelope. She is a treasure to me! We couldn’t wait to give her a sibling. But the waiting g…

The Life God Wanted Me To Have

It has been a long time since I have sat down to really write about my journey. It’s been over two years since I said goodbye to a baby. A lot has changed since then. God gave me a healthy baby, the answer to my prayers! And with her arrival, life became much busier and more demanding. I haven’t had time to write - at least, I haven’t cared to make the time to write. Because I have been spending that precious time with my girls. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I remember when I was in the thick of my grief, when I was saying goodbye to babies, finding out terrible news about my fertility, and wondering if I would ever have another child, that I often asked God WHY He was allowing this to happen to me. I’m not sure I will ever fully understand why, but now I know that God was using those events in my life to shape my future, my family, and my perspective. He was leading me to the life He wanted me to have.

Because I have lost, I now savor.

Every day, when I tuck my four-year-old in…

Safe and Sound

Last night I had a dream that brought a lot of old familiar feelings rushing back. I dreamed that I had a baby I couldn’t keep. I reveled in being able to see her and touch her and yet my heart ached because I knew it couldn’t last. Of course there were a lot of things in the dream that wouldn’t make sense in real life, that’s how dreams go. But ultimately, I knew she was a baby that wouldn’t survive.

I know that sounds really morbid, but after losing four babies in early pregnancy, I have often wondered what they would have looked like. Were they boys or girls? Who were they? I won’t know until I reach heaven and I long for the day that I will get to wrap my arms around them and tell them how much I love them.

Having such a dream put me in a fragile state of mind this morning. I prayed that God would give me strength and grace and that this wouldn’t have to be one of “those days” where I can’t keep it together. They don’t come as often now, but every once in a while one of them still …

A Better Blessing - My Story

Hi Friends!

Today I am featured on a very special blog! Head on over to Joy In My Journey to read my story. I haven't ever summarized my story into one post before. It was a challenge!

I hope you will take time to look around Joy's blog while you're there. Joy In My Journey is a blog she started to reach out to those with infertility. It has been such a blessing and encouragement to me personally to read the stories and verses she has shared. Joy is a wonderful lady with a beautiful story and you will definitely be blessed as you read her blog.

Prayers for you today,

 - Kristi