Showing posts from March, 2013

The Dreaded Due Date Is Approaching

I took a pregnancy test today.
It was negative. I knew it would be. This was the first month that I didn’t have a positive ovulation test. The things my doctor warned me about are beginning.
He told me that with my very low follicle count I may not ovulate every month. No ovulation, no pregnancy. But still, even though I knew that I couldn’t be pregnant, I hoped. And then I looked at that single pink line and sat in the bathroom crying until I heard a sweet little girl banging on the door.
“Mommy! What are you doing in there? Can you come out? I need you to open my puzzle!”
I wiped my eyes, took a deep breath, and opened the door.
“Are you crying? What happened?”
“Mommy needs some snuggles. Will you snuggle on the couch with me for a minute?”
“Yes. What made you cry in the bathroom? What were you doing in there?”
“I just felt sad for a minute. I was praying. I was talking to God.”
“About getting a baby in your tummy?” She poked my belly with her finger.
“Did he put a baby in your tummy…

Those Tiny Clothes, Part 2

I did it.

I finally sorted through my maternity and baby clothes. I have been dreading it for a while now, but this morning I just knew it was time. I felt like they were weighing me down. All these clothes that I’ll probably never need again that I’m just holding onto because I’m afraid to let go. It was hard.

Of course I did keep some of it. This process takes time. Last summer I went through and pulled out about half to give away. Today I pulled it all out again and removed about two thirds of what was left. So now I’m down to one box of baby clothes and one box of maternity clothes. In several more months I might finally be at the place where I can just give it all away. We’ll see.

I’m sure you are probably thinking, Who cares about baby clothes? Why is that difficult? But for me, it’s not about the clothes. It’s about what they represent. My chance at having another baby who might wear them. The doctor tells me that it’s very unlikely I’ll conceive again. Not impossible, but unlike…

Lay It Down

Sometimes you have to learn to be realistic. I am learning that lesson this week. Being optimistic is nice. Having faith and knowing that God can do miracles is nice. But there comes a time when you have to face the music and admit - this probably isn’t going to happen. I think it’s completely okay to do that. It’s what I’m trying to do now.

This morning I had a cycle day 3 ultrasound along with some lab work. During a day 3 ultrasound, the doctor is looking at the ovaries to see how many follicles are present. The follicles are “possible eggs” and the more you have, the greater your chances that one (or more in rare cases) becomes a healthy egg which can be fertilized.

Dr. N’s assumption based on my tiny ovary size was that I would have a low follicle count. He was right. He told me that most women my age would have between 12 and 24 follicles. I had just four. Two little follicles in each ovary. Now, take into account the fact that I have only one fallopian tube, which is compromised,…