Showing posts from May, 2013

Twelve Weeks

Wow. Today I am twelve weeks pregnant. This is such a milestone for me! Reaching twelve weeks means that my risk of miscarriage goes way down below 1%. It means that we’re “in the clear” as much as anyone could be. I’m so amazed. And grateful.
I was thinking this morning about my journey so far and all of the things I’m thankful for. One thing I’m really thankful for is the two years I spent going through secondary infertility. I guess that might sound strange to say I’m thankful for that, but I really and truly am. Going through the many months of trying and hoping to become pregnant really changed me. Although it has been so painful, it has really stretched and grown me into someone I never could have been otherwise. I know I’m not some great and wonderful spiritual giant, but I am closer to God than I ever have been before. And I have learned what it really means to trust Him - not just to say that I do, but to really have faith in His plan even when it makes no sense to me. I have …

Sweet Wiggly Baby - 11 weeks!

21 May 2013
Today we saw our precious miracle baby again! It’s crazy how I still get nervous when I walk into the doctor’s office. I don’t really have a reason to be scared anymore, but I can’t help it. All those fears melted away though when I looked on that screen and saw that perfect little wiggly baby who already has my heart.
I am eleven weeks pregnant tomorrow. I can’t believe it! Dr. N said that the baby looks perfect. We were able to get a really good look in 3D and even saw a little 4D shot of the baby moving around. Then the doctor asked if we wanted to know the gender. I said, “Of course we do. But there’s no way you can tell this early!” He looked offended and said, “Don’t tell me what I can do. If I say I can tell you, I can tell you!” I laughed and told him I would be shocked if he could tell today. So he poked my belly a few times to get the baby to move and got a brief look when the baby stretched one leg out. He told me what gender he thinks it is and even said he was 9…

Spreading The News

Monday, 13 May 2013

The word is out! We have finally told our families and friends the good news. It has been a great weekend.
Saturday night we had my whole family over to celebrate Mothers Day with my mom. A few months ago my mom had told me she would like to have a Grandmother’s necklace with the birthstones of all of her grandchildren on it - even the babies in heaven. So that’s what we decided to get for her. Of course, I also added the December birthstone for the new baby. I wrote a silly little poem for her to read out loud to reveal to the entire family that we were expecting! Everyone was very surprised. Of course they expressed a little concern and asked if the baby was okay and how sure we were about that. But once I told them that the baby looked perfect everyone congratulated us. It was a fun moment.

Of course, they all had to keep it a secret for just one day. Because the next day was the day we were going to tell my husband’s family. And once they knew, the news would be p…

My Little Miracle

Tuesday, 30 April 2013
I am so overwhelmed. We have come so far and God has truly given us a miracle. I cannot even comprehend His goodness! Today I got to see my beautiful miracle baby again and he is growing so fast! He actually looks like a baby now, not a blob or a circle. Of course that’s still hard to see on the ultrasound photo, but isn’t that how it always is?
My due date has been moved to December 11th and the doctor feels good about this date now that the baby was big enough to get a more accurate measurement. That means I am 8 weeks tomorrow. 8 weeks! That is a HUGE milestone for us. And I believe the doctor said that statistically I have only a 2-4% chance of miscarrying at this point. Once we hit twelve weeks that percentage will drop below 1%. I’m so excited!
It’s so fun to see the doctor so excited too. He is just amazed that this pregnancy happened without any intervention. Today he asked how I was doing and I replied, “I am sick as a dog. It’s wonderful!” He laughed and…

Laying Down The Burden

Monday, 22 April 2013
I am on such an emotional roller coaster. I guess that’s to be expected. First of all, I’m PREGNANT. (I still can’t believe I get to say that.) Secondly, I have experienced enough loss to know that I can’t take anything for granted.
I have probably cried every day, worrying about this baby. I already love him so much! (I know it might be a girl, but I hate saying “it” and I hate saying “him or her.” So for now, I’ll say “him” until we learn otherwise.) I’m constantly worrying that something bad has happened and I just don’t know it yet. If I go more than three hours without noticing some pregnancy symptom, I freak out. As goofy as it sounds, I would prefer to feel terrible all the time. Because in my last pregnancy, the last time I stopped noticing pregnancy symptoms was just two days before I found out the baby wouldn’t make it.
Then yesterday our pastor preached about bearing burdens. He talked about the emotional baggage we often carry and about laying it down. S…

He Has Heard My Prayer

Thursday, 18 April 2013
My heart is overflowing. My God has been gracious to me. He has heard my prayer!
Today we saw our sweet miracle baby for the third time. The baby has grown perfectly over the last week and looks healthy. (Well, as healthy as a tiny little spot can look!) Today we were even blessed to see the heartbeat. I have been less emotional this time around because I have been so guarded. But when I saw that beautiful blinking heart, one little tear slipped out of my eye and I breathed a prayer of gratefulness to my sovereign God.

The doctor checked my tube again to see if he could determine whether or not I had an ectopic pregnancy as well. More good news. The mass in the tube hasn’t grown or changed at all, indicating that it is not a baby! The doctor guesses it is some kind of cyst related to my pregnancy, perhaps even my corpus luteum, and says that it is not posing any threat to me or the baby. He was very happy to give me the news and I was thrilled to hear it!
Dr. N. sa…

The Possibility of a Heterotopic Pregnancy

Monday, 15 April 2013
Every time we get answers, we also get more questions.
I am so thankful today that we got a good report, even though it came with some concerns. The doctor found the baby right away this time! He said that my HCG levels had increased even more than he expected and that the baby (well, he said the sac) had grown appropriately. “You’re pregnant!” he said and then gave me a high five. He’s so excited and hopeful for me because of everything I’ve been through and my fertility problems. It was so nice to be able to make him happy!

The smiles were short-lived though. He needed to check my tube to be sure that what he had been concerned about was not an ectopic pregnancy. I think he looked for about five minutes before he said a single word. For Dr. N, that is a long time. I could see that he looked perplexed. Finally he told me that he still saw something in the tube that had him very concerned. He thinks I could have a heterotopic pregnancy. That would mean that I would …

The Turning Point

Friday, 12 April 2013 7:30 a.m.
It’s so easy to be upset in situations like this. But I have always asked the Lord to keep me from going blind with my pain and to keep me from being bitter. I’m human, and there are times where I let my own self-pity take over. But these past few days God has kept my eyes open to the little comforts that He has provided for me.
If you hate animals, or just cats, you won’t understand this. My cat always sleeps by me at night, all night, when I’m pregnant. Usually she starts snuggling up to me at night before I even know I’m pregnant. She snuggles right up next to my belly if possible and just purrs and purrs. But a few nights ago she didn’t visit me at all. It was very sad for me. I assumed it meant she already knew that the baby was in danger, or had already passed away inside of me. But the very next night, when I couldn’t sleep at all and my spirit was so overwhelmed, she stayed by my side. No matter how I tossed and turned, she stayed right there, snug…

Making Sense Of It All

Thursday, 11 April 2013 7:30 a.m.
I slept for a total of two hours last night. That never happens. Usually, even with something huge like this going on, I sleep. Actually, when I’m going through something like this, I usually sleep hard because I’m exhausted from the stress and crying. But last night my brain would not shut off. When I first started to fall asleep I had a dream that convinced me the pregnancy was not ectopic. I woke up and obsessed over that dream and what it could mean. And when I dozed off again my next dream indicated that the pregnancy is definitely ectopic. More obsessing.
I counted the days over and over in my head. I tried to make sense of the HCG levels. The pieces just don’t fit. I know this pregnancy is ectopic. My doctor is an expert. He knows what he is talking about. But I don’t understand why one lab would tell me my levels were 38 on Monday and another would tell me they were 1500 on Wednesday. Someone was wrong. And what if it was Dr. N’s lab? Ugh, I know…

Another Ectopic Pregnancy Diagnosed

Tuesday, 9 April 2013
I can’t concentrate on anything. My brain is on “freak out” mode or something. But at the same time, I’m numb. It’s hard to explain.
I tried watching TV to sort of “veg out” and clear my mind. But I would get 10 minutes into a show and not have a clue what was going on. I tried reading, but the same thing happened. I can’t focus on any one thing. My brain is just mush.
But I’m not really feeling overly emotional. Not the way I have in the past. With the last three pregnancies I was super emotional all the time. Either extremely hopeful or in complete despair. Up and down all the time. Right now I feel more even. It’s kind of refreshing, but kind of unsettling. I may not be really sad or hopeful, but I’m just on edge. All the time. I can’t shut down and I can’t relax. I don’t know... maybe I am emotional.
All I know is that I can hardly even find the words to form these sentences. Time is dragging by more slowly than ever before and I just feel like I’m not even in co…


Sunday, 7 April 2013
Today would have been my due date had I not lost my sweet baby last August. It was an ectopic pregnancy and was very devastating for me. I have been dreading this day, knowing how hard it would be.
But my God gives grace. Maybe even in some strange ways. I had a headache all day yesterday while visiting family in Arkansas. When I got home I took my temperature and found that it was elevated. I felt so miserable. Today I am home from church recovering on the couch. Maybe God knew I needed a quiet day (mostly) alone.
But He has also given me a distraction - this new pregnancy. I think it’s safe to say that I’m still in shock about this one. I haven’t gotten super emotional yet. But it is definitely on my mind. I am ready to fast forward two weeks or so to see how this will all turn out. This time around I have decided not to tell anyone except my husband until I know for sure what’s going on.
When I told him yesterday he reacted almost like a first-time dad who has neve…

The News

I want to preface this post by simply saying thank you to YOU. You who are reading this. You have encouraged me just by reading what I write and by praying for me as I know you have. If you read my previous post, A Mother's Day Prayer, you have already learned my fantastic news. I am expecting a healthy, MIRACLE baby! I am nearing the end of my first trimester and have passed the point of any concerns from my doctor.
I am excited to share my journey with you and plan to simply post one journal entry each day this week in order to share with you the way things unfolded for me. The outlook at times has been very bleak but my God has been with me every step of the way. Now I can see that He truly does have a purposeful plan for me and for my family!
This latest chapter of my life began on April 6th, and that is what I will share with you today.

Saturday, 6 April 2013
Why does this always happen to me on the weekend?
Tomorrow is my due date. Not that I’m nine months pregnant, but had I no…