Showing posts from October, 2012

Things I've Learned About Miscarriage

These are just a few of MANY things I have experienced or discovered since I have lost three babies. Your experience may be like mine. Or it may be very different. Either way, I hope this helps you realize that you're not alone.

- It doesn’t matter how you lose the baby (early miscarriage, late miscarriage, chemical pregnancy, ectopic pregnancy, stillbirth, infant death) - it hurts immensely no matter how it happens. Don’t compare your pain to anyone else’s.

- Don’t beat yourself up if you cry a lot for a while. Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t cry very much either. Each woman has her own way of dealing with the loss. Don’t do what you think you’re supposed to do; do what you need to do.

- It’s helpful to talk to one or two people who have been through it. They can help you know what to expect. They can sympathize with you. They won’t mind if you need to ask weird questions about what is going on with your body or your emotions.

- On the really hard days, give yourself some kin…

The Blessing In The Thorn

What a week it has been. Or perhaps more accurately, what a couple of months it has been. Honestly, I have been surprised at how strong I have been. Maybe this is the “strength in a moment of weakness” that I have heard about. Of course Saturday was difficult for me but then life just kept happening and I chose to let it. I almost felt guilty that I wasn’t moping around more. I have heard so many women say that they have had days where they just couldn’t get out of bed at all. I’m not like that and it sometimes makes me wonder if something is wrong with me. But I think I have figured out a few things about how I deal with my grief.

I think I deal with my grief in spurts. I’m fine, I carry on, I am strong, and then a weak moment comes. Perhaps it’s some kind of reminder, a song I hear on the radio, a picture on Facebook of someone’s newborn, the email I get about my favorite store’s big baby sale. But for that moment I have a mini breakdown. The tears flow and the pain is heavy. And the…

And Then It Happened

The rest of the story...

Wednesday, 17 October 2012

I cannot give up. Not yet. I don’t want to seem naive, because I know what my chances are of having this baby. But for whatever reason I cannot give up.

I have heard and read too many stories of women who were told early in their pregnancies that they would miscarry but didn’t. I have heard too many stories about doctors who are so “by the book” that they have misdiagnosed miscarriages in cases like mine. And more than that, I serve a great big God who can do ANYTHING - even save my tiny six-week-old baby. And I refuse to give up until it’s over.

I was thinking about it this morning - trying to wrap my head around it. Here I am, just sitting around waiting to miscarry. I am paranoid and imagining that I feel the cramps starting, but they haven’t. I am spotting but only lightly. And many women have had that happen during their pregnancies. My doctor is basing her diagnosis on numbers - on my hcG levels. She recommended that I take a medic…

Not The Bad News I Expected

Still more of my thoughts “in the moment” from last week.

Tuesday, 16 October 2012 - 7:17 a.m.

I am way too hopeful this morning. The more I think about the differences between my recent ectopic pregnancy and this pregnancy the more I think I may have a chance this time. There are just so many things I can’t shake. I have all these pregnancy symptoms. I have had the familiar nausea that I experienced when I was pregnant with my daughter. I didn’t have that with either of my ectopic pregnancies. My breasts have been sore, I have had cravings (although that has never been entirely limited to pregnancy for me), and I have had food aversions - which is a major signal for me that I’m pregnant. With my successful pregnancy the food aversions were drastic for the first trimester. My sense of smell is heightened. All these signs point to pregnancy and I did not experience them with either of my ectopic pregnancies.  However, I know many doctors blame these symptoms on pregnancy hormones and not…

Sometimes Waiting Is The Hardest Part

More of my ups and downs reflected in my journal entries. It’s amazing how crazy your brain goes when you are just waiting for news - knowing it could either be wonderful or devastating.

Monday, 15 October 2012  - 7:45 a.m.

Last night I started spotting. A big sign that this is probably ectopic. I don’t know why I’m acting like I’m not sure if it is or not - it is. It’s just really hard to let go of my dream like this. I had two vivid dreams last night.  In one, I found out it was ectopic and cried and cried. In the other, I found out my pregnancy hormone levels were normal which was a good sign - but still not complete affirmation. Dreams are just dreams anyway - just my subconscious thoughts coming out.

My doctor’s office opens at 8:00. I’m just waiting on my daughter to wake up so I can go get another blood test and hopefully find out the results of the one on Friday. I swear, if I never had blood drawn again it would be too soon. Unfortunately, if they treat this ectopic pregnancy wi…

Hope Is A Risky Thing

More journaling...

Sunday, 14 October 2012

I am all over the place. Friday I was such a mess and so discouraged. Saturday morning I woke up to very sad news about a sweet family from my church that was dealing with some very tough news about the health of their sweet 18-month-old son. My heart broke for them and I wept and prayed for a long time that morning asking God to please perform a miracle and save their sweet baby. It put things into a different perspective for me. Yes, my circumstances are sad and difficult, but there are others out there hurting far more than I am. And if I can trust God to take care of them, can’t I trust Him to take care of me? And if I can spend time in prayer asking for a miracle for them, why am I so afraid to ask for a miracle for myself?

I managed to fill my time with some good distractions. Friday night we spent the entire evening with some dear friends and just had a blast watching our girls play together at the pumpkin patch and at Incredible Pizza. I…

The Appointment

More journal entries from the continuing story of my pregnancy and loss:

Friday, 12 October 2012 - 7:28 a.m.

I am terrified.

The waiting is driving me crazy. I have had time for each possible scenario to go through my head a thousand times. (1) It’s ectopic - My heart will break. (2) It’s in the uterus - I will rejoice but still harbor some fear as to whether this is all too good to be true. (3) It’s inconclusive - I’ll have to wait to find out for sure, but I will feel certain that it’s another ectopic pregnancy.

It’s terrible to be thinking like this. I know my God can do this miracle. I know He is bigger than all of this. And I know His word tells me not to worry but to bring it to Him and accept the peace He will give me. I was doing pretty well until last night. Within one hour I received two separate messages from close friends about potentially life-changing terrible news. My friends’ hearts were breaking. They were afraid too. They were asking God for the same thing I was - grace.…

More Fear When I Want To Rejoice

Here are two more of my journal entries from a couple of weeks ago when I found out I was pregnant. I have left them unedited - they are reflections of how I felt in the moment.

Thursday, 4 October 2012

It is so weird that I’m not excited about this. I’m happy, but not excited. And that is really not like me. I just feel very reserved about the whole thing.

Last night when David came home I told him right away that I was pregnant. Actually, I had Penny waiting at the door in her “Best Big Sis” T-shirt holding the pregnancy test. (I bought the shirt during the last pregnancy in anticipation of using it to announce to our families that we were expecting. We never got to do that.) She was cute. I told him about taking the test and he asked how I felt about it and I said I was happy but afraid to be excited or get my hopes up. We didn’t talk about it very much after that. Last time (just a couple of months ago) we spent days talking about it - about how great the timing was, about the possib…

Another Loss

Friends, to be really transparent I want to share with you that I have experienced another pregnancy loss this week. I know many of you have been praying for me and many of you have expressed interest in my story. Many women in my position are uncomfortable sharing details of their loss, but for me, it is a part of my healing. I am not the kind of person who likes to walk around pretending. I wear my feelings on the outside - it’s just who I am.

So I have decided to share my personal thoughts with you again. My prayer is that someone who is going through something similar will be able to find some comfort here - even if it is only the comfort of knowing that they are not alone. My hope is that I will find a way to bring glory to my God through this loss. And of course, as you read I hope you will pray for me. I feel very strong in the Lord most of the time, but there are many moments where I am low and weak. I need your prayers!

So here is the beginning of the next chapter of my story.


Let It Strengthen You

I have had a tough couple of weeks. I have been going through a private struggle and craving prayers. I have been seeking God’s face over and over and begging for His mercy. And He has shown it to me over and over again.

Bad things happen. They will always happen. In this wicked and sinful world there is no escaping them. But this quote I came across is so true - we have a choice. When the storm comes we do not have to sit down in the rain and give up. We don’t have to become “the person who went through that really terrible thing.” We can choose to simply rise above and become even stronger than we were before. But the key word is choose. Because becoming stronger isn’t something that will just accidentally happen.

There have been days when I have been tempted to cry all day long. There have been days where I wanted to stay in my fog and push everyone away. There have been days when I wanted to play the victim - to make everyone feel sorry for me. But I didn’t get any stronger on those…