Showing posts from January, 2013

Alienating Myself

Last August I went through a really rough time. I lost a baby. A baby I had prayed desperately for and waited a long time to conceive. I received an outpouring of support and love from many of my friends and family. I tried to recover the best way I knew how and really felt like I was carrying on fairly normally for having been through something so difficult.

Then last October I went through it all again. As I struggled to deal with the pain I began to retreat further and further into myself. Things were foggy for me most of the time and it took a lot of effort to put on the show I felt like I needed to put on. I wasn’t in the depths of depression, but I was walking around with a very heavy weight and trying to act like it wasn’t there. It became easier to just stay home than to carry that weight around. I skipped out on events and get-togethers, making excuses for why I couldn’t be there or why I needed to leave early. I quit reaching out to make plans with friends. It was just so muc…

Glory Baby

Just wanted to share this song today - a song for my sweet babies.

Glory Baby
by Watermark

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…  Until we’re home with you…
Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…  Just like He said He would…
I can’t imagine heaven’s lulla…

They Tell Me

To my readers: This post may be one of those where you’re thinking, Wow, Kristi, tell me how you REALLY feel! as you read it. Sometimes I’m tempted to hold back in what I write because so many of you who read it are people I know personally: friends, family, people I see frequently. It would be so much easier to be even more honest if I didn’t think any of you would see it. I guess I’m afraid that perhaps someone will read a post like this one and think, Oh no! I think I said something like that to her. She must hate me! And then you’ll avoid me and things will get weird. That is NOT what I want! As far as the hurtful comments that I am referring to in this post, I don’t have a name or face attached to any of these. Most of the time these comments come from people who don’t know me very well. So please don’t think that I’m sitting around hating on any of you for what you may have said to me in the last six months. I’m not! But I have heard many of these comments from various people in…

Those Tiny Clothes

How long is too long to hold on to those tiny clothes? Those of you who have experienced secondary infertility will know what I’m talking about. After your first child grows out of their baby stuff you keep most of their things - the bouncer, the exersaucer, the swing, the crib, and all of those tiny clothes. If you’re like me you have six or seven tubs just full of baby clothes. But once you realize that you may not have another child you start to feel silly for keeping all of that stuff.

At one point about a year ago I went through and cut the amount of what I would keep in half. All that stuff was just taking up so much room in my house! So I carefully chose what I could not part with and gave the rest away. I remember someone saying, “But what if your next child is a girl? Won’t you want all those clothes?” Believe me, I still had more than enough for that scenario. But as more time passes that scenario becomes more and more unlikely.

So the question is, how long do I keep all this …

Lessons From Job

I grew up in church. Actually, my parents met and married at the same church where I met and married my own husband and we even dare to hope that someday our daughter will meet and marry her husband there as well. Wouldn’t that be something?

That being said, I have grown up reading the Bible and learning from His Word. But I always kind of cringe when I get to the book of Job. He suffers so much for what seems like no reason at all. His friends don’t understand what he’s going through and their words don’t offer him any encouragement at all. And Job has a lot of questions for God. That part in particular has always made me uncomfortable. I’m not sure what I thought Job should have done differently and thinking about it now, I don’t suppose there is anything he should have done differently. Reading Job’s story just makes me uneasy.

But this week in my daily devotions I have come to the book of Job. And having been through a particularly difficult year, this book makes a little more sense…

He Keeps The Key

I read this poem today in my Streams In The Desert devotional. It spoke to me in a very powerful way. Sometimes we think that we have to figure out the riddle of what God's will is for our lives, as though He is hiding it and enjoying our confusion. But in fact God often shows us His will very plainly simply by opening and closing doors. There is nothing wrong with trying to go through the door you think is the right one. If it doesn't open, simply keep moving on until you find the one He has opened for you. For me, that means that being pregnant right now is not His will for me. I will simply keep moving on with my life and looking for what He does want for me. If someday He chooses to open the door and allow me to have another child, I'll be ready. If not, I hope I will have the strength and grace to trust that He knows what is best for me and my family!

Is there some problem in your life to solve,
Some passage seeming full of mystery?
God knows, who brings the hidden thing…

Dear Little One

Dear Little One,

Losing you broke my heart.
But I don’t regret the weeks we had together.

I’m sorry I couldn’t carry you longer than I did.
I know Jesus carries you now.

I’m sorry I wasted so much of our time together worrying.
One day we’ll have unlimited time together in a place where worry doesn’t exist!

They tell me that most likely your body’s imperfections are why you couldn’t stay.
But I know that now you have a perfect heavenly body.

This world is a scary place full of sin and sadness.
I’m glad you’re somewhere better.

I wish you could have met your daddy and your sister.
But how wonderful to know you have already met your other siblings.

I wanted so much to see your sweet face.
I’m so glad to know that one day I will.

There was so much I wanted to show you and teach you.
How amazing that God is using your life to teach me.

I loved you so much.
I love you still.

Love, Mommy

The Day The Sun Comes Back Up

I don’t know how you respond to your own trials, but I have certainly had the opportunity to learn about how I respond to mine. It has been one week since I got terrible news from my doctor. One week since I received that phone call and learned that I would lose yet another baby. For me the storm was fast and furious and ravaged my spirit in mere moments.

My initial reaction was intense grief. And the waves of that grief were giant and swallowed me up almost instantly. I didn’t even stop to ask God why, I just plummeted into a deep despair. And then almost as quickly as the storm arrived it left. By the next morning my mind was still but the fog had come. A thick, dense fog that made it hard to do anything. I had no motivation. I didn’t feel like doing anything at all. I couldn’t enjoy anything but I couldn’t cry either. I went through the motions daily the best that I could. But I was numb.

I feel bad that my family had to endure me as I was in that fog. I’m sure I was not pleasant to…