Showing posts from December, 2012

Kind Of Like A Rainbow

Remember how I said that our bunnies were infertile? Would you believe that my female rabbit had babies today? Today, on the day that I lost my baby, she gave birth to eight little kits! I can’t believe it!

We have had these rabbits since June, I believe. They were fully mature just weeks after we got them. We thought we had two females, but found out one day that one was actually a male. Oops! Statistics say they should have had at least a couple of litters by now. I don’t know much about rabbits, but like anyone else I have heard the term “breed like rabbits” and know full well what it means. And believe me, we’ve seen them try. (Sorry! But it’s true!)

I just find it fascinating that of all days for my little Daphne to have her first litter it is today. Perhaps it is just coincidence, but I can see a message from God through this. It is almost like the rainbow Noah saw after the flood. A promise. The worst is over and the best is yet to come. I have no idea if I will become pregnant a…

Saying Goodbye to Jude Michael

Today I say goodbye. No mother should have to do this so many times! This morning I am thinking of a sweet friend of mine who has sent more babies to heaven than I have and I am admiring her strength and her faith. In my mind I have been sitting quietly for these last few days. The initial news was devastating of course, but there haven’t been many tears since then. Yet. I know they will come.

I realized last night that I haven’t really spent much time in prayer since I found out I would lose this baby. That seemed strange to me because I have certainly felt God’s presence and comfort. And I realized that I have been just sitting there next to Him quietly. We do that sometimes with a close friend or family member. Sometimes there isn’t really anything to say, so we just sit there together because just having someone there with you is comforting. I haven’t been looking for any great revelation or meaning. I haven’t been beating my chest and screaming at the sky. I have just been sittin…

The Bad News Is On Repeat

I never thought I would be the mother of five. And I certainly never thought that at age 31 I would have four children in heaven. It’s a hard reality to swallow. And disappointing.

Our pet rabbit is infertile. At least that’s what we think. We bought two bunnies last spring thinking they were both females. We discovered a few months later that one was actually a male! Oops! The female, Daphne, was building a nest - that was our first indication that something was going on. But the baby bunnies never came. She has built a second nest since then, but no babies have ever appeared. Perhaps I should have seen it as some kind of sign or something. Maybe that sounds silly to you, but to me it seems like a reflection of my own life.

I have had three positive pregnancy tests since July. Three in six months. Those little sticks told me that it was time to start building my nest. But the babies never came. And it’s time to face the hard truth - maybe I’m not meant to have more children. After all…

Finding Peace

The waiting is hard, but I definitely have more peace right now than I ever expected. When I first found out I was pregnant again I wanted time to speed up until I got to the point where I knew if the baby would be okay or not. Now I just want time to slow down so that I can just enjoy being pregnant before I get any news that might make me worry more. I had another blood test this morning and should get a call sometime tomorrow with the results. The me from last week would have begged to get the results back faster so I could just know what was going on. The me this week is not ready to hear those numbers. It seems like the numbers rarely encourage me. Instead, they just make me feel concerned or confused. For today, I am pregnant, I feel pregnant, and I have no symptoms to give me any concerns about ectopic pregnancy or miscarriage. For today, everything is just fine, and that’s where I want to stay for now.

I have asked God to continue giving me indications of pregnancy. So the symp…

Help My Unbelief

23 December 2012

I must have overdone it the last few days in preparation for Christmas because today I just do not feel well! Sunday mornings are very hectic for us usually and today was even more hectic than usual. On top of that, I was scheduled to sing a solo in church today and I was nervous about being so fatigued and light-headed and trying to stand and sing. My worst fear was that I might pass out on the platform!

The more time that passed this morning the worse I felt. Nausea, fatigue, dizziness, weakness... What a blessing to feel so very pregnant but what an inconvenient time as well. I decided to forgo singing with the choir so I could sit and rest and eat a tiny snack. I prayed and asked a few others to pray as well - that I would be able to stand and sing and that I could do my best. I wanted the song to be meaningful and to bring the hearts of those in the congregation to a place of worship in preparation for the sermon.

My hands were shaking as I approached the stage. The…

The End Of The World - Or Maybe Not

21 December 2012

Today is supposed to be “the end of the world.” For me, at one point, it seemed close. I went in for my second blood test to see how my hCG (pregnancy hormone) levels were increasing. The nurse ordered the test “stat” so that I could get the results today and (hopefully) enjoy my weekend without having to worry. But I was nervous. I don’t want to be nervous, but I just can’t help it. When you’ve been “jaded” it’s hard to trust again. That’s true in all areas of life.

I was at lunch with a dear friend when I got the call. My levels were at 197. I freaked out. This morning I looked at a chart online. It showed the “normal” ranges of numbers and according to the chart I should have been past 1,000 today. So 197 sounded like terrible news. But the nurse said the numbers were good, close to doubling, and that I had nothing to worry about right now. I tried to act fine, but my sweet friend told me it was okay to be upset, so I did cry a little. And by the time I got home the …

Waiting For Test Results

19 December 2012

I have been anxiously waiting for the phone call from the nurse to find out where my hCG levels are right now. I hoped for a call before lunch but it didn’t come. I waited until about an hour before the doctor’s office closed and finally I called to find out what was going on. I found out that their computers have been down all day and that is how they receive the results. The receptionist told me that I would have to wait until tomorrow to find out.

That shouldn’t really be a big deal. The results won’t change just because I haven’t yet heard them. But it’s excruciating to wait for news. It’s so difficult to sit here and wonder if the child inside of me is healthy and growing. It’s hard not to get nervous and scared of losing this baby. I don’t know how to get through these next two weeks!

20 December 2012
7:51 a.m.

At one point I had asked the Lord to show me if this pregnancy was going to be “the one.” I asked Him to give me clear signs and symptoms of a healthy pregnan…

A Roller Coaster Of Emotions

18 December 2012
7:38 a.m.

I dreamt about the baby. It was wonderful. In my dream we went in for a 4D ultrasound to determine the gender of the baby. It was a boy. And he was beautiful. We were able to see his face very clearly during the ultrasound and he was perfect! I don’t know what that means, but right now I don’t care. I’m just reveling in the memory of that glorious dream.

Last week before I even found out I was expecting I had a dream that I was nine months pregnant and going into labor. I can’t help but hope that these dreams are from the Lord and were sent to ease my mind about this pregnancy. How I long to make it to the gender-check sonogram. How I long to carry this child long enough to go into labor. How I long to see his beautiful face!

Lord, protect this child, Your child. Keep him safe. Help him to grow and to be healthy. Please let me hold him one day!

18 December 2012
1:44 p.m.

It can’t ever just be simple. It can’t be straightforward. Today I was supposed to visit my reg…

Finding Peace In The Midst Of My Fear


15 December 2012

Today my spirit is quieter, calmer. I still don’t have any kind of assurance that this pregnancy will be different than the last. But I know that my God is sovereign and in control. I was afraid to tell my family because I was afraid they would respond with more excitement than I could handle. And I was afraid I would become too emotional. But they responded so appropriately - with joy and understanding and promises of prayer.

First I called my mom. She didn’t make a big deal out of it. That was what I needed. Then I called my mother-in-law. She was thrilled that God was answering her prayers. She prayed that we would receive the Christmas gift of a new baby. And she even told me that two days ago when she saw me she really thought I was pregnant. How did she know before I did? I told my sisters-in-law who were both so supportive and so happy for me and promised to pray every day. How did I get so lucky to have this family?

I took another test this morning - jus…

The Day I Found Out


14 December 2012

I am pregnant.

I didn’t think it would happen again so fast. For fifteen months I waited for a positive pregnancy test without any luck. And then in the last six months I have had three. Three positive tests. No babies. We waited until we were cleared by my doctor to begin trying again after my miscarriage in October. Since I have had two ectopic pregnancies, a surgery to remove one of my fallopian tubes, and an early miscarriage after that I just really didn’t think I would be here again so soon.

I sat there in shock as I saw the results. That faint pink line that was supposed to have me jumping for joy instead brought fear and panic. One single tear fell from my eye and I simply asked God to be with me, to help me get through each day of this pregnancy, and to allow me to carry this baby to full term. Please God, let this baby be the one I get to hold and love and raise. And then I went numb.

I don’t know which emotions to feel. Excitement? I’ve been through too m…

Same Story, New Chapter

I am in the middle of a new chapter. Honestly, I don’t know how this one is going to end and I have been waiting to share it with most of you just as I did the last two times. Today I was thinking about my reasons for not sharing it yet and they are as follows:

- I don’t want to make anyone who knows me uncomfortable.

- I worry about what people will say. “Doesn’t she know she shouldn’t say anything until she’s sure everything is okay?" Infertility and miscarriage are often treated as “taboo” subjects in our culture. I wish we could get past that, but for many people it’s hard to talk about. They don’t want to see someone suffering. So we suffer in silence.

- I don’t want to be “that girl.” The one who keeps getting pregnant and keeps losing babies. “Doesn’t she see that she’s pushing her luck? When will enough be enough? She should quit trying. It’s putting her in danger and it’s too hard on her. She should probably just adopt." Some people actually say things like that bec…

Celebrating My Children During Christmas

I wanted to find a way to incorporate the memory of my children who are in heaven into our Christmas celebration this year. It’s hard to decide how to honor them in a subtle yet meaningful way. I have heard many different ideas - stockings for the babies, a small tree with angels and other special ornaments in their memory, etc. But I just needed something small - something that wouldn’t remind me of the void that was left when I lost these precious children but that would just remind me of how blessed I have been to carry each of them. I decided to get them each an ornament for our Christmas tree.  I chose ornaments that have their first initials and I am really happy that I will be able to put these on the tree each year and celebrate the time I had with them.

These are the ornaments I bought! There is one for Ezra, one for Leilani, and one for Nathaniel. Aren't they pretty?

Remembering the good is a big part of healing. I’m so thankful that God allowed me to carry these children …

Test Day

If you’ve struggled getting pregnant, you’ll understand... If not, this may seem strange to you or overly emotional - but for those of us struggling with infertility, this is how it goes.

It’s called the two week wait. When you have been trying (and trying and trying) to get pregnant you know exactly when everything is supposed to happen. You pinpoint when you are ovulating and then you have to wait two weeks to find out if this is the month you’ll finally be pregnant. It’s the longest two weeks. You start to have phantom pregnancy symptoms. Every little stomach ache makes you think, “Maybe this is morning sickness.”  You feel so sleepy one evening and go to bed at 9:00 thinking that perhaps you are exhausted because you’re pregnant. You try so hard not to obsess but you do it anyway. And the days drag because you’re waiting for the day when you can take the test.

You never wait until the last day of your cycle to take the test. Every month you say you will wait, but it’s not that easy.…