Showing posts from October, 2013

Happy Birthday Nathaniel

Dear Sweet Nathaniel Ellis,
One year ago today I sent you home to be with Jesus. It was a very sad day for me because I wanted to see you grow up, but I’m thankful that you were spared the hurt of this world. And I love imagining how wonderful your life must be in heaven as you worship our Father!
You were the first baby I conceived after losing my fallopian tube. You gave me hope that despite the odds I might someday raise another child. I’m so thankful for that. Your name has a very wonderful meaning. Nathaniel means “gift of God.” You certainly have been a gift to me, even though I carried you for just a few short weeks. Ellis means “my God is the Lord.” When I lost you I knew that I had to remember that you were a gift from the almighty and sovereign God and that He had a purpose for you - a purpose you are still fulfilling today.
I can’t wait to meet you. I can’t wait for you to know your sisters and your daddy. My heart rejoices in knowing that our separation is only temporary and …

A Letter To Myself

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Looking back over the last few years, I can see that I have indeed been on life’s roller coaster. If I could write a letter to myself three years ago, it might sound something like this:

Dear Kristi,

You don’t know it yet, but things are going to get difficult. You’re going to go through a time of secondary infertility. It won’t last as long as it does for most, but it will be hard on you. Be patient. God is teaching you that His plan is not the same as yours. It’s okay to be sad about letting go of the dreams you had for your family, but know that God has something so much better for you. Trust Him.

You’ll want to find answers. Find them. Knowing what is going on with your body and your reproductive system is powerful. Understanding what obstacles you are facing is important. It also makes the miracle at the end that much sweeter. A few doctors will tell you to give up. They will tell you that it’s foolish and risky to keep tr…

A Letter To My Ariana

Dear Ariana,
Oh, how I am longing to hold you in my arms! I have about eight weeks left in my pregnancy but it feels like forever. Sometimes I miss you. I actually miss you. I know I am still carrying you and you’re with me everywhere I go, but I need to see you and kiss you and snuggle you. I can’t wait to meet you!
I want you to know that your daddy and I (and a lot of other people, actually) prayed for you for a long time. I mean that we begged God for you. We wanted you so very much. I wanted to tell you the story of how you became our little miracle.
You see, we started asking God to give us another baby more than two and a half years ago. We asked and we asked, but He kept telling us no. For over a year we waited but still nothing changed; God didn’t give us a baby. That was a hard time for me. I knew that I was asking God for something good, for something wonderful, but He was not allowing me to have that blessing. I searched for His reasons, but couldn’t understand at the time.

Happy Birthday Ezra

It’s hard to believe that it has been four years. In a matter of minutes I discovered I was pregnant only to be told that I would not get to have the baby. After months of trying I had started to worry that maybe getting pregnant wasn’t going to be “easy” for me. And then when I finally had become pregnant, it was a pregnancy in my tube. Emergency surgery was my only option. I was numb.
It took me a long time to really deal with this loss. When I lost the baby who I later named Ezra Grey, I had no idea how long and difficult my path would become. I thought I could just try to forget so that it wouldn’t bother me. Perhaps that’s normal. But now when I remember that day and the pain and confusion it brought into my life, I am thankful that I had the chance to be Ezra’s mommy, even if I was only able to carry him for a matter of weeks.
Ezra means “strong.” And my God has been so faithful to me and has helped me to grow stronger through saying goodbye to my babies. God has given me His stre…

Do You Know Jesus?

I have written a lot about what I have been through - secondary infertility, ectopic pregnancies, miscarriages - but today I want to write about what got me through all of that, actually, WHO got me through it. And that is my Lord Jesus.
A lot of people start to blame God when they are going through something terrible. Especially when there doesn’t seem to be anyone else to blame. I guess it’s natural to become angry and ask Him why He let something so awful happen to you. I have asked Him that question myself. But the truth is, we live in a fallen and sinful world where bad things happen all the time. When God created this earth, it was whole and pure, but Adam and Eve chose to sin and ruin the perfection they had once enjoyed. And our world has been full of sorrow ever since.
It’s true, God has the power to stop bad things from happening. And I can only imagine how many times He does. But we don’t see that. We don’t know about the things that could have happened but didn’t. We aren’t …