Happy Birthday Jude Michael

Today is my Jude Michael’s birthday. One year ago he left my body to be with Jesus. One year ago, I was quickly losing my grasp on hope.

2012 was a very hard year for me. I started the year by seeing a doctor about my infertility. And by the end of the year I had miraculously become pregnant three different times, only to lose each baby during my first trimester. I was told by three different doctors that it might be time to quit trying - that I was probably pressing my luck. Getting pregnant is somewhat risky for me because of my history of ectopic pregnancies.

As I said goodbye to baby Jude, I talked to God. A lot. I argued with Him. I pleaded with Him. And finally I rested in Him. By the beginning of 2013 I was able to honestly tell Him that I trusted Him and His plan for my family. “God, if my family is complete, I am content with that. I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful, sweet daughter and they are more than enough.”

Losing Jude was a turning point for me. At my very weakest, I began to become strong again. We stopped trying to get pregnant. We simply enjoyed the life we had. A few months later, I was ready. Ready to find some answers and either try again or let go - whatever God had for me. I saw a new doctor who gave me more answers - hard  answers. Answers that pointed toward letting go.

And then, God gave me a different answer. He gave me a miracle. He gave me a healthy pregnancy with no intervention. 2013 turned out to be a very good year indeed.

One month ago, my sweet baby girl was born. Ariani came into our lives and has already been such a big part of my healing. She is my answered prayer, my reminder that God always hears us, even when we aren’t sure. My assurance that He loves me even when I am demanding and unloveable. And I know that I will never be the same. Because in the future, when life gets hard again (and it will), I will be able to look at this sweet little girl and know that my God is with me and that He has a plan for my life. He can make something beautiful out of the ashes. What greater promise is there in life?

So, to my sweet Jude I say this. Your mommy misses you dearly. And as I kiss and snuggle my sweet baby girl today, I still mourn the fact that I have yet to kiss and snuggle you. And I look forward to the day when I meet you, along with your brothers and sister, with great anticipation. And I thank God for giving me the time that I had with you!