The Life God Wanted Me To Have

It has been a long time since I have sat down to really write about my journey. It’s been over two years since I said goodbye to a baby. A lot has changed since then. God gave me a healthy baby, the answer to my prayers! And with her arrival, life became much busier and more demanding. I haven’t had time to write - at least, I haven’t cared to make the time to write. Because I have been spending that precious time with my girls. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I remember when I was in the thick of my grief, when I was saying goodbye to babies, finding out terrible news about my fertility, and wondering if I would ever have another child, that I often asked God WHY He was allowing this to happen to me. I’m not sure I will ever fully understand why, but now I know that God was using those events in my life to shape my future, my family, and my perspective. He was leading me to the life He wanted me to have.

Because I have lost, I now savor.

Every day, when I tuck my four-year-old in bed for her nap, she asks me to sing a song. And every day, I sing it. Every day, when my song is sung, she asks me to snuggle in bed with her for “just three minutes.” And every day, I snuggle. I hold her tightly, I breathe her in, I tell her every single day how glad I am to be her mommy, and I thank God for giving her to me.

Every morning, when I get my one-year-old out of her crib, I hold her close to me and tell her how good she feels in my arms. Every day, when she fusses and cries, I thank God she is here to fuss and cry in my arms. Every day, when I pick up the sippy cup she has thrown for the thirty-second time, I thank God she has the strength to throw that cup. And every day, when she leans her head on my shoulder, I hold my breath and wish for that moment to last forever.

I am able to thank God for the picture perfect days when they are happy and laughing and healthy and sweet. I am able to thank Him for the rough days when I wake up in the middle of the night to a baby that needs me, the days when my oldest is in trouble over and over again for disobeying or having a bad attitude, the days when we are late because someone spilled something on their clothes right before we get in the car.

Some mommies never get to experience life the way I do. Some of them spend most of their days just going through the motions, not remembering to stop and gaze at their children and cherish this normal, everyday moment. Sure, they do that every once in a while, but I get to do it every single day.

Saying goodbye has made me more present in my own life. I will never ever regret that. And I will always wonder if I would have lived that way without the deep valleys that have been a part of my journey. I’m so glad I won’t ever have to find out.

Because I have lost, I now savor.

I hope you do too.

(Above photo taken by Jerry Palmer Images - also known as Grandpa)