Who's In Control?
Exodus 14:14 - “The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace.”
I have been fighting a battle. I have wrestled with the Lord. I have wrestled with myself. I have wrestled with my dreams. For years I have been fighting for control.
Most women do it - we plan our lives out while we’re still young. This was my plan:
- graduate college in four years and get a job
- live single for a couple of years and then marry at 23
- quit my job and have my first child at 25
- have my second child by age 28 - that would leave me time to have two more if I decided to.
I read that plan now and I laugh. Because so far, nothing has gone according to my plan. And when I think specifically about each deviation from the plan I notice that it’s not that the things I want aren’t good for me, but my timeline has been demolished.
Here is how my story reads so far:
- finished college in five years (going to three different schools)
- got a job, lost that job, found a different job
- lived single for three and a half years and then married three days before my 26th birthday
- after many months of trying and then losing my first pregnancy, had my first child three days before my 29th birthday - then continued to work for another year before being able to become a stay-at-home-mom
- experienced secondary infertility, diagnosed with a blocked fallopian tube, ectopic pregnancy followed by another miscarriage at age 31
- still waiting, hoping, praying for that second baby
The thing is, when I compare the plan to my actual life, I see that God has given me everything I have asked Him for - on His timetable. Now that I look at it I see what He is trying to teach me. I can hear Him saying, Kristi, stop trying to be in control. You never have been and you never will be. I am in control. I have good things in store for you, but they come when I say the time is right. I am your loving Father and I want you to be happy, but I also want you to glorify Me. And if you live your life thinking you are in control, your life will never point to Me. And that is the whole reason I created you.
Honestly, I know that God is in control. So I don’t know why I keep fighting Him and arguing with Him. Going to three different colleges may not sound ideal, but at each place I made friendships that were exactly what I needed then. The college I graduated from was definitely not my first choice, but God used it to allow me to make a connection at a school where I ended up teaching for six years - a place I loved and still love dearly. And had I not lost the first job, I wouldn’t have enjoyed that second job for those six years. Living single for longer than I had intended made me a more independent person who is more capable and financially responsible - and that came in handy when my husband was deployed. And being slightly older when I had my daughter, I believe, has made me a better mom than I probably would have been at a much younger age. Finally, losing the first baby meant becoming pregnant with my daughter - and I am certain that I was meant to be her mommy! Losing subsequent babies has helped me to see what a treasure my little girl is. I hold her tighter than I otherwise would have. I slow down and enjoy her more than I did before. And I take my job as a mom very seriously - I want to teach my daughter to be strong, independent, smart, responsible, kind, and most of all, to love Jesus. Because I’m living God’s plan instead of my own, I have a fuller, richer life and have grown closer to Him. So why do I keep fighting?
Lord, you know the dreams I have had for my life and for my family. I have laid out a plan in neat little rows convinced that it is what I need to be happy. But you have shown me that Your ways are greater than my own ways and that Your thoughts are higher than mine. You have so much more planned for me than I ever had planned for myself. I am only now beginning to see that! Please help me to trust you and to live by faith, one day at a time, trusting you with each step. I know that you are designing a beautiful life for me and for my family that, although not what I had asked for, will be a life that can glorify You if I choose to let it.
I have been fighting a battle. I have wrestled with the Lord. I have wrestled with myself. I have wrestled with my dreams. For years I have been fighting for control.
Most women do it - we plan our lives out while we’re still young. This was my plan:
- graduate college in four years and get a job
- live single for a couple of years and then marry at 23
- quit my job and have my first child at 25
- have my second child by age 28 - that would leave me time to have two more if I decided to.
I read that plan now and I laugh. Because so far, nothing has gone according to my plan. And when I think specifically about each deviation from the plan I notice that it’s not that the things I want aren’t good for me, but my timeline has been demolished.
Here is how my story reads so far:
- finished college in five years (going to three different schools)
- got a job, lost that job, found a different job
- lived single for three and a half years and then married three days before my 26th birthday
- after many months of trying and then losing my first pregnancy, had my first child three days before my 29th birthday - then continued to work for another year before being able to become a stay-at-home-mom
- experienced secondary infertility, diagnosed with a blocked fallopian tube, ectopic pregnancy followed by another miscarriage at age 31
- still waiting, hoping, praying for that second baby
The thing is, when I compare the plan to my actual life, I see that God has given me everything I have asked Him for - on His timetable. Now that I look at it I see what He is trying to teach me. I can hear Him saying, Kristi, stop trying to be in control. You never have been and you never will be. I am in control. I have good things in store for you, but they come when I say the time is right. I am your loving Father and I want you to be happy, but I also want you to glorify Me. And if you live your life thinking you are in control, your life will never point to Me. And that is the whole reason I created you.
Honestly, I know that God is in control. So I don’t know why I keep fighting Him and arguing with Him. Going to three different colleges may not sound ideal, but at each place I made friendships that were exactly what I needed then. The college I graduated from was definitely not my first choice, but God used it to allow me to make a connection at a school where I ended up teaching for six years - a place I loved and still love dearly. And had I not lost the first job, I wouldn’t have enjoyed that second job for those six years. Living single for longer than I had intended made me a more independent person who is more capable and financially responsible - and that came in handy when my husband was deployed. And being slightly older when I had my daughter, I believe, has made me a better mom than I probably would have been at a much younger age. Finally, losing the first baby meant becoming pregnant with my daughter - and I am certain that I was meant to be her mommy! Losing subsequent babies has helped me to see what a treasure my little girl is. I hold her tighter than I otherwise would have. I slow down and enjoy her more than I did before. And I take my job as a mom very seriously - I want to teach my daughter to be strong, independent, smart, responsible, kind, and most of all, to love Jesus. Because I’m living God’s plan instead of my own, I have a fuller, richer life and have grown closer to Him. So why do I keep fighting?
Lord, you know the dreams I have had for my life and for my family. I have laid out a plan in neat little rows convinced that it is what I need to be happy. But you have shown me that Your ways are greater than my own ways and that Your thoughts are higher than mine. You have so much more planned for me than I ever had planned for myself. I am only now beginning to see that! Please help me to trust you and to live by faith, one day at a time, trusting you with each step. I know that you are designing a beautiful life for me and for my family that, although not what I had asked for, will be a life that can glorify You if I choose to let it.
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