The Day The Sun Comes Back Up
I don’t know how you respond to your own trials, but I have certainly had the opportunity to learn about how I respond to mine. It has been one week since I got terrible news from my doctor. One week since I received that phone call and learned that I would lose yet another baby. For me the storm was fast and furious and ravaged my spirit in mere moments.
My initial reaction was intense grief. And the waves of that grief were giant and swallowed me up almost instantly. I didn’t even stop to ask God why, I just plummeted into a deep despair. And then almost as quickly as the storm arrived it left. By the next morning my mind was still but the fog had come. A thick, dense fog that made it hard to do anything. I had no motivation. I didn’t feel like doing anything at all. I couldn’t enjoy anything but I couldn’t cry either. I went through the motions daily the best that I could. But I was numb.
I feel bad that my family had to endure me as I was in that fog. I’m sure I was not pleasant to be around at all. But my husband sat quietly by my side and made an extra effort to take care of our daughter so I wouldn’t have to do as much. He took care of bath time and potty time and getting her dressed in the mornings. I sat on the couch and stared. The fog lasted about five days.
Yesterday, I woke up very sad. The fog was swirling and stirring up my grief. The tears came and I let them flow freely for just a few minutes. I got up and went through my normal morning routine. I went to check on the rabbits and the new baby bunnies and thought it was strange that Daphne, our mommy rabbit, was gone. (Now, you may think it strange that I didn’t instantly panic, but here is why. Our bunnies live in a pen and dig out constantly. We have stopped filling their hole because we noticed that all they do is go into our neighbor’s back yard to eat their fresh grass and clover. They always come home in time to eat in the morning. This has been their routine for a couple of months now.) I looked out the window every five minutes waiting for Daphne to return, but she never did. Duke, our male rabbit, came back by himself before noon. He never comes back alone; he and Daphne do everything together. By the afternoon I was devastated. I just knew something had happened to her. The babies were alone with no mother and no way to survive.
Now, don’t judge me, but I cried for those poor babies. To me, it just seemed like more babies that I couldn’t save. The grief of my own loss was compounded by the imminent loss of these baby bunnies. They were my sign of hope, my rainbow, and now they were doomed and had no chance of survival. By the afternoon my sadness was strong and heavy. I shed many tears, some for these sweet bunnies that I couldn’t keep, and many for my own children that I couldn’t keep.
Finally, I decided that I was not losing those bunnies. I researched online and then went to the pet store to get what I needed to feed them. I brought those sweet babies inside and one by one I fed all nine of them. I was not ready to give up.
And I realized I am not ready to give up on my own dream either. I don’t feel like God has closed the door yet for me. He could have closed it many times, but He didn’t. There was a time when my doctor told me that we couldn’t try anymore because it was too dangerous for me. And then God worked a miracle and showed us what we needed to see during what was supposed to be my last ultrasound. And the door swung open again. I have no idea what His will is for me or for my family, but I’m not ready to give up on His promises yet!
Last night we found a family at church who had a momma rabbit give birth just a day before but none of her babies made it. We made plans to take our bunnies to this momma rabbit to see if she would adopt them. But we never made it over there. When we got home from church Daphne had returned! I had been so certain she was gone for good, killed by a neighborhood dog or something, but there she was. I guess she just needed a break from her kids. We reunited her with the babies and she instantly got into the nest with them and started feeding and grooming them.
It may sound silly, but in that moment, as the bunnies were all reunited, the fog lifted. It disappeared. I felt like I had turned a corner in this emotional healing process. For the first time in a week I had a long conversation with my husband before we fell asleep. Not about anything in particular or anything important, but I was just ready to be a part of life again. I had spent all day worrying and praying (about bunnies!) and then God answered my prayers and took care of everything. I felt silly for worrying as I had and then I got His message loud and clear. Kristi, why are you worrying? Remember in my letter to you I told you “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.” (Philippians 4:6) Instead of worrying, He wants me to be asking and thanking. I am to ask Him to take care of things and thank Him for what He has already done. How do I lose my focus so frequently and get back to that place of worrying?
So this morning, the sun came back up. My world has been cloudy for a week or so. That happens in life. But the sun always reappears. I would say a week isn’t too bad really. I know that the rain will come again and more tears will fall. I know that my emotional healing will take time and that I still have a ways to go. But today the sun is shining and I am ready to participate in life again! And I am praising my God for meeting my needs and answering my prayers - even my prayers about tiny little bunnies. :)