The Dreaded Due Date Is Approaching

I took a pregnancy test today.

It was negative. I knew it would be. This was the first month that I didn’t have a positive ovulation test. The things my doctor warned me about are beginning.

He told me that with my very low follicle count I may not ovulate every month. No ovulation, no pregnancy. But still, even though I knew that I couldn’t be pregnant, I hoped. And then I looked at that single pink line and sat in the bathroom crying until I heard a sweet little girl banging on the door.

“Mommy! What are you doing in there? Can you come out? I need you to open my puzzle!”

I wiped my eyes, took a deep breath, and opened the door.

“Are you crying? What happened?”

“Mommy needs some snuggles. Will you snuggle on the couch with me for a minute?”

“Yes. What made you cry in the bathroom? What were you doing in there?”

“I just felt sad for a minute. I was praying. I was talking to God.”

“About getting a baby in your tummy?” She poked my belly with her finger.

“Yeah.”

“Did he put a baby in your tummy now?”

“No. He didn’t. He told me ‘Not right now.’”

“Oh. Maybe next time?”

“Yes sweetie. Maybe next time. Or maybe not. God will make the right decision. And if we are supposed to have a baby at our house, He will bring us one. But He might not. And that’s okay.”

“Okay Mommy.”

It’s amazing how much this little two-and-a-half-year-old girl has picked up on. I try not to talk about my fertility issues around her. But she prays every single night for a baby. We have prayed together for other ladies we know who have struggled to conceive and we have seen God give children to three of them! I’m thankful that she has been able to see God answer our prayers. And for now I am trying to use my own struggle to teach her that God is in control and that He doesn’t always say yes. I want her to learn that when God says “no” or “not right now” that we need to continue to trust Him. It’s a lesson I am still learning myself.

I’m approaching my due date. Had my pregnancy last summer been normal and healthy I would be due to have a baby on or near April 7th. I remember after I lost that baby in August two of my dear friends told me that they were expecting. They both felt so badly for me and I knew that they weren’t sure how to tell me they were pregnant. But they were both so sweet to tell me and give me time to process their news. And neither of them took it personally when I responded with tears of my own sadness.

You see, for women like me who are struggling with infertility, getting the news that a friend is pregnant can be very difficult. Of course, I am never sad that my friend is pregnant. I am always very happy for friends who have such good news! But every time I find out that someone I know is expecting it is a reminder of my own struggle and my own loss. I am thankful for friends who have told me they were pregnant before sharing the news with everyone in that celebratory way. It gives me time to absorb it and to cry and to deal with my emotional response ahead of time so that when the big announcement is made, I can simply be happy and rejoice like everyone else.

When I found out that my two friends were pregnant last August I knew that when their babies arrived I would probably have a hard time, that it would be an emotional trigger for me. They were both just a couple of weeks ahead of where I had been before I lost my baby. I realized about two weeks ago that they were close to their due dates and that meant I was getting closer to what would have been my own due date. I could feel my emotions stirring up, but I tried so hard to push them down.

My friends both had their babies this week. There was a time when I imagined this spring and summer with a new baby in my arms. Instead my arms are empty. My sweet Leilani has been in heaven for seven months now. And I still miss her so much!

I have been walking this road of secondary infertility for twenty-three months now. At times it is a very lonely road. Today it feels that way. I’m so glad that I have the promises of God’s Word to carry me through days like this. And I’m thankful for sweet friends, family, and some people I have never even met who are praying for me. I would probably be a mess if it weren’t for those prayers.

Today I spent some time thinking of all my sweet children that have already gone to heaven. Ezra, Leilani, Nathaniel, and Jude. I doubt they can just “look down on us.” At least, I hope they can’t. I would hate for them to see this sinful world. I can’t imagine that being part of heaven. But I hope that when I think of them, God is able to remind them how much they are loved by their mommy. I can’t wait to meet them. And some days, they are all I can think about. Today is one of those days.

So today, on this emotionally difficult day, I am going to eat a special sweet treat, spend some extra time reading God’s Word, pamper myself a little bit, and hug my girl extra tight. Because I know that even my worst days are better than some people’s best days. And I know that my God is sovereign and is holding me in His hands today.

“And my God will supply every need of yours according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.”

- Philippians 4:19

I do want you all to know that I don’t sit around feeling sorry for myself all day every day. I live a very happy and fulfilled life. I am more aware of the millions of blessings God has showered upon me than I ever was before this journey in infertility began. But there are times when I have felt so lonely, and felt like no one understood. And that’s part of the reason I started this blog. I wanted to help people see life through the eyes of a woman who deals with these kinds of things. My hope is that you have been able to be there for your friends or family members who have gone through pregnancy loss or infertility because of the things you have read here. If you have a friend going through a similar struggle, or any other kind of struggle, please take the time every few weeks to remind them that you are praying for them. I promise it will be an encouragement to them. It always is to me.