Lay It Down

Sometimes you have to learn to be realistic. I am learning that lesson this week. Being optimistic is nice. Having faith and knowing that God can do miracles is nice. But there comes a time when you have to face the music and admit - this probably isn’t going to happen. I think it’s completely okay to do that. It’s what I’m trying to do now.

This morning I had a cycle day 3 ultrasound along with some lab work. During a day 3 ultrasound, the doctor is looking at the ovaries to see how many follicles are present. The follicles are “possible eggs” and the more you have, the greater your chances that one (or more in rare cases) becomes a healthy egg which can be fertilized.

Dr. N’s assumption based on my tiny ovary size was that I would have a low follicle count. He was right. He told me that most women my age would have between 12 and 24 follicles. I had just four. Two little follicles in each ovary. Now, take into account the fact that I have only one fallopian tube, which is compromised, and the odds just aren’t looking very good. Then remember that Dr. N. is also concerned with my uterine lining and the possible polyps that are there and it just doesn’t seem very likely that one of the two follicles in my left ovary will just happen to become a perfect little egg and then be fertilized, travel safely through my damaged tube, and implant in my uterus. The odds are definitely stacked against me.

Does that mean that pregnancy is impossible for me? No. With God all things are possible. I truly believe that. But in the doctor’s honest opinion, my 2-year-old daughter is a miracle, the three pregnancies I had last year were miracles, and if I were to have a healthy pregnancy without any medical intervention, it would be a miracle. So it’s time to be realistic and admit that I can’t make this happen. I can’t take a magic pill or do a special therapy or really do anything to increase my chances at having another child. I just can’t.

The doctor is pushing for me to try IVF. Not because he's a pushy guy, but because I went to him because I wanted another baby and he knows that IVF gives me the best chance I'll get at having another one. But my husband and I have prayed and talked about IVF and we just know that it's not right for us. At least, not right now.

Hearing all of this news for the first time last week and the second time this week has been difficult for me, of course. It’s hard to swallow the fact that your body is failing you. It’s hard to be told that I’ll most likely go through menopause very early. Some people are just made to have lots of babies. I’m not one of them.

But at the same time, it’s kind of liberating. I have spent almost two years now counting cycle days, charting basal body temperatures, taking ovulation tests, obsessing over every little possible pregnancy symptom, and taking early pregnancy tests almost every month because waiting those last four days is just excruciating. Now, I know that it is not in my power to get pregnant. It’s in God’s hands. Where would I rather my dream be? In my incapable hands or in the hands of the Almighty Creator? I know that it’s time to lay this dream down at His feet. Not because I don’t believe that He can make it a reality, but because I know that it’s not for me to decide. I will never stop asking God to add to our family, but I choose to trust Him no matter what His answer may be. If He says yes, I will praise Him in the miracle. If He says no, I will praise Him in the storm. But I know that by letting go of my desire to control the situation, I will find a better blessing - the blessing that comes from completely trusting Him and seeking His perfect will.

The song Lay It Down has been playing in my head over and over today. It sums up exactly how I feel and has ministered to me so much during this crazy time. I hope that if you have something that you’re keeping closed up in your fist you will consider laying it down and letting God take care of it.  Remember that God’s ways are so much better than our own!

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
   neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
   so are my ways higher than your ways
   and my thoughts than your thoughts.
(Isaiah 55:8-9)

Update: March 19, 2013
Last week I had my final ultrasound and Dr. N announced that I have a "beautiful uterus." The ultrasound showed no polyps and he did not see any cause for concern where my uterus is concerned. It was the first appointment I have been to in months that I didn't leave crying!

Jaci Velasquez

I've been looking till my eyes are tired of looking
Listening till my ears are numb from listening
Praying till my knees are sore from kneeling
On the bedroom floor

I know that You know that my heart is aching
I'm running out of tears and my will is breaking
I don't think that I can carry the burden of it anymore

All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are slowly slipping through my folded hands

So I'm gonna lay it down, I'm gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up, I know Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go, I'm gonna lay it down

I've been walking through this world like I'm barely living
Buried in the doubt of this hole I've been digging
But you're pulling me out and I'm finally breathing
In the open air

This room may be dark but I'm finally seeing
There's a new ray of hope and now I'm believing
That the past is the past and the future’s beginning
To look brighter now

'Cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands

So I'm gonna lay it down, I'm gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up, Your love, Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go, I'm gonna lay it down


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