"We Ourselves Are Comforted by God"

I remember worrying about my fertility long before I was ready to have children. I knew that I wanted to be a mom and that I would be good at it. But for some reason I had this nagging feeling that I might not be able to. For the most part I pushed it out of my mind. During our second year of marriage my husband was deployed to Kuwait. We had talked before he left about when we wanted to have kids and decided that when he returned from his deployment we would be ready. People who know me know that I am a researcher. When I enter a new phase of life, get a new pet, or plan a vacation I read everything I can get my hands on about that particular subject. I like to be as informed as possible about the things going on in my life.  So I immediately read everything I could find about getting pregnant.  I thought that somehow I could just plan it.

About seven months after we started trying to get pregnant I went to see my OB/Gyn. I told her I was worried about not being pregnant yet and that I had a nagging feeling that something might be wrong. She chuckled a little bit and told me that everything looked fine and it was too soon to worry anyway. And yet just a short  month later my fears were realized. On a Thursday afternoon I came home from work with severe pain in my lower abdomen. I assumed it was cramping, but it was unlike anything I had experienced before. I took some Tylenol and curled up in a tight ball on my bed and cried for an hour or more. I begged God to give me some relief and eventually I fell asleep.  When I woke up an hour or so later the pain was gone. My husband was very concerned and suggested that I should probably go to the emergency room, but I told him I was fine and that the Tylenol must have worked. The next day the pain returned, though not as strong, and stayed with me all day. I was extremely uncomfortable, but still didn’t really worry. That night I went to a concert with some friends. I spent various moments at the concert scrunched up on the ground trying to make the pain subside. It came and went in waves. For the rest of the weekend I was fine. You would think that bouts of excruciating, unexplained pain would be enough to at least send me to the urgent care clinic, but I was trying not to worry. I was afraid I would hear the doctor say something like, “You are just having bad menstrual cramps. Take some Advil.” I didn’t want to look foolish. On Monday I returned to my job as a first grade teacher, still feeling fine. Lunch time arrived and my assistant took my students to the lunch room while I decided to make a quick run to the gas station for something yummy. On the short drive down the street the pain returned with more intensity than ever before. It filled more of my body than it previously had and the world around me began to spin. This time I knew something was wrong. I should have called someone and stayed where I was, but I didn’t want to pass out alone in my car. I drove back to work, praying the whole way there that God would allow me to arrive safely. I walked through the building back to my classroom and lay down on the big alphabet carpet in the front of the room. I called my husband and told him that he needed to come pick me up. Then I called my boss.

My boss ran straight from her office to my classroom. She brought the school nurse with her. “Could you be pregnant?” she asked.  “It’s possible,” I replied. They stayed with me until my husband arrived and told him to take me straight to my OB/Gyn’s office and he did. When we arrived they told me that my doctor had just gone home for the day, but the next thing I knew there she was, working late for me. After a pregnancy test and a few questions I learned that I had an ectopic pregnancy. I hadn’t even known I was pregnant, but the moment I learned I that I was pregnant was the same moment I learned I would not get to carry this baby. I sat in there in the office with my husband next to me and wept. I remember asking if there was something wrong with my body, wondering why I was struggling to become successfully pregnant. I was whisked away to surgery within just a couple of hours. On October 5, 2009 at seven and a half weeks pregnant  I lost my first child.

Recovering physically was painful and difficult but not nearly as hard as recovering mentally and emotionally. I wanted to understand why, but knew I never really would. I wanted a reason for the pain and loss but could not find one. I knew that my God was bigger than all of my pain and found peace and comfort with Him. If only I had known that this was just one step in God’s plan for me, I wonder if I would have responded any differently.

I am so grateful to have a God who knows my pain.  And I know that nothing comes into my life that He doesn’t allow.  Not long after my surgery I came across these verses in my daily reading and realized that perhaps someday I would be able to be an encouragement to someone else going through something similar because I had been through it myself.  I have turned to these verses many times since then and they have reminded me that I need to use my life experiences to be a better blessing to those around me.  I pray that I am able to do so!

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 - "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."

Comments

  1. Thank you for sharing. What a precious verse. It reminds me of a quote, "God does not comfort us to make us comfortable, but to make us comforters." -Dr. Jowett May the Lord use you to comfort others who are hurting. Joy

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