And Then It Happened

The rest of the story...

Wednesday, 17 October 2012

I cannot give up. Not yet. I don’t want to seem naive, because I know what my chances are of having this baby. But for whatever reason I cannot give up.

I have heard and read too many stories of women who were told early in their pregnancies that they would miscarry but didn’t. I have heard too many stories about doctors who are so “by the book” that they have misdiagnosed miscarriages in cases like mine. And more than that, I serve a great big God who can do ANYTHING - even save my tiny six-week-old baby. And I refuse to give up until it’s over.

I was thinking about it this morning - trying to wrap my head around it. Here I am, just sitting around waiting to miscarry. I am paranoid and imagining that I feel the cramps starting, but they haven’t. I am spotting but only lightly. And many women have had that happen during their pregnancies. My doctor is basing her diagnosis on numbers - on my hcG levels. She recommended that I take a medication that would help my body expel the tissue; I refused. I am not going to decide that this pregnancy is over. It is up to God whether He allows that to happen or not. He is so much bigger than numbers and hormone levels.

So for now my plan is to take it easy, to relax, to rest as much as I can. I want to give this baby a fighting chance at surviving. And I know that if it’s meant to be, God will make my baby grow and allow it to be healthy. And if it’s not meant to be and I do miscarry, I will never have to wonder what would have happened if I had just waited and put it in God’s hands.

Friday, 19 October 2012

This morning I am oddly at peace. I slept well last night with almost no thoughts of babies and miscarriage. And this morning when I woke up and realized I had started bleeding I simply realized that this is it. Today is probably the day that I will lose this baby. I don’t have any other thoughts or words right now. I am simply trusting God and hoping that I can get through this quickly and as comfortably as possible. I’m ready for it to be over - to move on to the next step.

Saturday, 20 October 2012

Today I lost my baby. For the third time, I am mourning the loss of a child I will never meet while living on this earth. I can’t say for sure when I truly lost the baby, but in my mind, today is the day I became certain that this pregnancy is over. Due to what is going on with my body physically there is no more denying it.

It’s odd. In the past I had wondered how the loss might be different if it were a miscarriage and not a laparoscopic surgery to remove an ectopic pregnancy. I wondered if a “normal” miscarriage would be harder or easier to go through. Physically speaking it’s obvious that since I’m not in the hospital having surgery this time, it is easier. But mentally and emotionally, it’s the same. I had another chance at my dream, and it slipped through my fingers. I loved another child and yet lost him or her.

One thing that has been difficult for me is that I have no idea who these babies that I lost were. I don’t know if they were boys or girls. I can’t give them names. But honestly, would knowing their names make me feel better? No. Nothing can make me feel better about losing them.

But I know that my God is not surprised by this. He is not confused by it. He is not trying to “figure out His next move” or to decide what to do next. This was part of His plan for me. It is something He has allowed for a purpose. As I have said many times now, he sees the big picture. And even though I can’t fathom how this pain can be good for me, I trust that He is using it to refine me - to make me who He wants me to be.

Lord, I need you. I have never stopped needing you. The pain is great; I am heartbroken once again. Please hold me in Your arms and whisper Your plans to me - Your plans for good in my life. Help me to trust You and to never lose sight of the fact that You are sovereign. And Lord, hold my babies for me as I would have if I had ever had the chance. Cradle them in Your arms. I don’t know enough about heaven to know if your children who are with You there have any knowledge of what happens on the Earth, but my earthly heart hopes that those sweet babies know the mother who carried them for just those few weeks loves them very much and will never forget them. And as I think of the love I have for those three babies and the love I have for my precious daughter, I know I am seeing a picture of the love You have for me. And just as I have to do and allow things that cause my daughter to shed some tears, I know You have to allow trials in my life as well.

Thank you for your unending love. Thank you for your constant presence. Thank you for the people You have placed in my life who I can lean on now and who are lifting me up in prayer. May I do the same for others when they are hurting! And Lord, I love You.


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