A Letter To My Ariana

Dear Ariana,

Oh, how I am longing to hold you in my arms! I have about eight weeks left in my pregnancy but it feels like forever. Sometimes I miss you. I actually miss you. I know I am still carrying you and you’re with me everywhere I go, but I need to see you and kiss you and snuggle you. I can’t wait to meet you!

I want you to know that your daddy and I (and a lot of other people, actually) prayed for you for a long time. I mean that we begged God for you. We wanted you so very much. I wanted to tell you the story of how you became our little miracle.

You see, we started asking God to give us another baby more than two and a half years ago. We asked and we asked, but He kept telling us no. For over a year we waited but still nothing changed; God didn’t give us a baby. That was a hard time for me. I knew that I was asking God for something good, for something wonderful, but He was not allowing me to have that blessing. I searched for His reasons, but couldn’t understand at the time.

Then, one day in July of 2012, I found out I was expecting a baby. I was ecstatic. God had heard my prayer! But just a few short weeks later I found out that something was wrong. The doctor told me I had an ectopic pregnancy, meaning that the pregnancy was in my tube instead of my womb. The baby would not survive and I needed surgery or I would be in danger myself. I was devastated. This wasn’t the first time this had happened to me. Before your big sister was born, I had an ectopic pregnancy and went through the same thing. My heart was broken as I said goodbye to a baby I would never get to meet.

Still, I knew that God was capable of answering my prayers. I asked again (and again and again) for another baby. And two more times, he answered yes. But both of those times, He took my babies to heaven before my belly even had time to grow. In less than five months, I lost three babies. I began to lose hope. I became very sad and struggled at times to find God’s purpose in everything. But He showed me that no matter what happened He would never leave my side. He was helping me to grow and to lean on Him and trust Him in these hard circumstances.

Not long after going through all of this, and still asking God to give us a child, I found out that my chances of having a healthy pregnancy were pretty slim. I had only one fallopian tube left. (I had lost one during surgery.) And my ovaries were not able to do their job properly. They were small and running out of eggs quickly. My doctor told me that my chances of getting pregnant were about the same as they are for a 40-year-old woman. And then he said that even if I did get pregnant, there was a 50/50 chance that it would be ectopic again. Basically, getting pregnant wouldn’t be easy and would probably be dangerous.

Still, I prayed. I wanted you. I felt in my heart that our family still needed one more person - you. Imagine my surprise, and my doctor’s surprise, when a month after he delivered such hopeless news I found out I was pregnant with you. I was very scared at first. I was so afraid I would lose you too. After all, I had only one living child at the time, your sister, and four babies in heaven. I fervently prayed that God would allow us to keep you, to meet you, to raise you. The day we saw your heartbeat was one of the best days of my life. You were safe and you were growing. I almost couldn’t believe it. There were still days of worry, and even now, as I am just weeks away from meeting you, I have days of anxiety. But God has answered our prayers and brought you into our lives.

Ariana, you are a miracle. All new life that God creates is a miracle. But you are a special miracle. You came to us against the odds, because God willed it, because He answered our prayers. I hope you never wonder whether or not you are wanted or loved because you are very much wanted and loved by us. As a family, we prayed (even your sister) every single day asking God to bring you to us. And now, we thank God for you every day!

I love you so much sweet girl. I cannot wait to meet you.

Love, Mommy