Rejoicing Followed By Fear

Today I  just want to share some of my recent journal entries.  I have not added anything special to them other than a few verses at the end of the post. Tomorrow I will finish my story of loss and then I will be able to share with you things God has shown me throughout these experiences.

July 26, 2012

Last night I was lying awake in bed and I realized that my cycle had been very abnormal and light. I counted the days from ovulation until Saturday and realized there was a small possibility that I could be pregnant. I decided I would take a pregnancy test in the morning just to be sure it was okay to keep taking my fertility medication. The next morning there it was, a faint line. It was faint but distinct. I didn't even know what to think or how to feel. Could I really be pregnant? Maybe it was a false positive. But I didn't think that was even really possible. I ran to the computer and did a quick search and confirmed that yes, any line, even a very faint one, means you're pregnant. Then I started wondering if perhaps my Clomid pills could have caused a false positive. A few more minutes online assured me that was quite unlikely. Of course, worry crept in. I have been taking these pills for 2 days now while pregnant. This is a category X drug - dangerous for a fetus. Have I already hurt my chances at having this baby? More internet research, more fears absolved. Only two days on the medication would likely not be enough to harm the baby at this early stage.

My mind raced around for an hour or so. I messaged my friend Kate - the one who has been most supportive and has listened to all my crazy worrying with such understanding. She has had a long journey in infertility with many more complications than I have ever known. And she is pregnant with her own miracle baby right now. I asked her what she knew about Clomid and pregnancy tests and she confirmed what I had read.  "Congratulations!" she wrote. I called my doctor and scheduled an appointment for tomorrow morning to confirm. I have to be seen by six weeks due to my previous ectopic pregnancy so I need to get a referral and see my OB/Gyn as soon as possible.

Still, I feel doubt and disbelief. I have wanted this so badly and have struggled giving it to the Lord and trusting Him in the situation. I didn't want to get my hopes up only to have them dashed a day or two later. I decided to take another test after my morning coffee. My thoughts: Oh heavens, is that a line? I think I can see a line but is it what they call a "ghost line?" Am I imagining it now? It's so light! I don't think it's positive. I decided to quit messing around with these cheap tests and head to Target as soon as my daughter was awake to buy a digital test. If the line was so faint this morning and then got even fainter the second time, maybe I should just wait until tomorrow morning to take it. But for now at least I could go get the test and store it under the sink until then. 

(Have any of you gone into "freak out" mode and taken multiple tests? I KNOW I'm not the only one!)
11:00 and I get home from the store. I remind myself that I should wait until tomorrow if I want the test to be as accurate as possible. A few moments later I decide maybe I could wait a few hours and take it around 2:00. If I don't drink anything and don't go to the bathroom for a few hours then the hormone level wouldn't be compromised, right? I try to find something to keep me busy but just a few minutes later I am in the bathroom taking the test. The little hourglass shape blinks to tell me the test is working. I leave the bathroom and straighten up my bedroom a little bit. The hourglass is still blinking. I head into the kitchen to put my coffee cup in the dishwasher. Still blinking.  I pick a few things up around the living room. Still blinking. This is the longest three minutes ever! Finally I walk back into the bathroom for the fourth time and the blinking has stopped. There it is, "pregnant" - as clear as day.  I really am pregnant!

So the rest of the morning was spent researching ideas for how to tell my husband in a creative way. I decided to wrap up a present for him - a little onesie and a baby names book. I thought about waiting until he was home from work this afternoon to give it to him but knew I would end up acting weird during lunch when he came home to eat and so I decided instead to give it to him at lunch.

12:00 and he's not home yet. I message and ask him if he is coming home to eat today. He says he is but not for a while.

1:00 I message again. He calls. "It has been very busy today so I just ate Taco Bell. I'll see you later this afternoon. Love you." I'm dying!  

Dear Lord, please don't let me lose this child. Please don't let this be some strange sort of false hope. And please help me be patient even as I wait for an ultrasound confirmation that this is a viable pregnancy! Thy will be done!

Waiting... - July 27, 2012

My husband did finally come home yesterday at the end of his work day. I tried to play it cool and made up a story about why he had a present to open. It was a really lame story. Then I said I wanted to take pictures of him opening it because Penny was so excited to help him. I'm sure he knew something was going on. He opened it and pulled out a baby onesie and a baby names book. When he read the card I had put in the book he got a big smile on his face. It was really fun and exciting. (The card said something like: "I hope you aren't busy on April 2nd because I will probably need your help on or near that day!" - I later found out my due date was actually April 7th.)

We talked a lot about it during dinner and I could tell he was really happy - even though he is not one to get overly excited about anything. And all evening it kept coming up. "It will be nice that you won't have to be really big during the summer months this time." "The age difference between siblings will be perfect." "I wonder if it's a boy or a girl." So fun.

This morning I had an appointment with my primary care physician just to confirm the pregnancy and get a referral to my OB/Gyn. My appointment was at 8:15. When the nurse did the test the line was very faint so she tested it again to be sure. They also decided to do blood work to be 100% positive and find out how far along I was. I didn't get that with Penny, so I'm excited to get a more accurate due date right away. I left the doctor's office with happy tears in my eyes. God has been so good to answer my prayers!

I will admit, some worry has crept in. I know that there is a chance it could be an ectopic pregnancy again. I asked David if he would come to my appointment next week when the doctor does an ultrasound just in case it didn't turn out so well. I would hate to get my hopes up and get attached to this baby and then lose it. I'll feel better next week when I have seen that everything is going well!

David pulled up a baby names website this morning and we spent a little while looking through names together. I forgot how fun this is - planning for a baby! I'm just about to burst with the excitement of this secret news and I'm looking forward to the day we are able to tell our family and friends!

God is so good to me!

Uncertainty - August 16, 2012

Since I last wrote, much has passed. I went for my initial visit with my OB/Gyn on August 1st. When it was time for my ultrasound the tech couldn't find anything. The doctor came in and looked and she couldn't find anything either. We went over the important dates again and she said that I was probably actually earlier than I had thought and that they can't see anything earlier than five weeks. She guessed that I was perhaps four weeks pregnant. So we rescheduled for two weeks later. I was really frustrated to have to wait. I already had some fears about the pregnancy and now I wouldn't have any peace of mind for two more weeks! I talked with David about it and of course he was reassuring, but only a good ultrasound would be able to ease my mind completely. In the meantime, we had a vacation scheduled and I needed to try to enjoy myself.

We returned from our trip and just a few days later I woke up in the middle of the night with a sharp pain in my lower abdomen. The pain reminded me very much of my previous ectopic pregnancy and made me very nervous. I lay awake for about an hour praying and asking God to keep this baby healthy and to let it be in the right place in my body. The fact that I had been so unsettled ever since finding out I was expecting had me worried and I asked God to give me peace and trust Him with whatever would happen.

The doctor saw me just a day later, August 15, only one day earlier than my appointment had been scheduled for. I was very anxious and for good reason. When it was time for the ultrasound they still didn't see anything. I should have been six weeks pregnant, but they could not find anything. Fortunately that means they didn't see any evidence of an ectopic pregnancy either. But I was devastated and began crying. What happened? How could my baby just disappear? I hadn't had any bleeding or any other symptoms of a miscarriage. What did this mean?

The doctor started looking at the dates and numbers again. She mentioned that it was possible that I was still too early to see anything, but I felt like perhaps she only said that to calm me down and leave me with a little bit of hope. She sent me to the lab to have blood work done and said that she would probably have me come in on Friday for more blood work - to test my pregnancy hormone levels and see if they were going up as they should be.

So for now I wait. Waiting is certainly the hardest part. I feel as though I could come to terms with just about anything. But waiting, that is much more difficult to do. I can't mourn a loss or rejoice in a gift. I just wait.  

Lord, give me patience and help me to trust You with this trial.

Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.
- Psalm 27:14

Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature? And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.
- Matthew 6:26-34


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