Will I Meet Them?
After my first ectopic pregnancy I struggled wondering if I had a baby in heaven or not. I know that God receives little children, babies included, into His kingdom who have not yet reached the age of accountability. I also know that unborn babies have been given life from God and believe that when a woman has a miscarriage the baby's soul goes to its Creator in heaven. What I had never taken the time to study was at what point does the baby go from being a "mass of cells" to being a person with a soul? My husband and I had discussed it briefly long before any of our pregnancies and both agreed that since the Bible says the "life is in the blood" that perhaps when the baby's heart started pumping blood through it's body (around 21 days) it was then given a soul. We don't know that for sure, it is just where our conversation ended on that particular day.
And then I lost the first baby. That time was different than this most recent loss because I had not even known I was pregnant. I heard the doctor say "you are pregnant" followed immediately by "but I have some serious concerns." And I learned almost instantly that it was not a viable pregnancy. It was heartbreaking, but I had not yet begun to love that life inside of me. This time, I had already loved the baby growing inside of me very deeply. I imagined who he or she would be (usually imagining a "she" for some reason). I had started window shopping for the things I would like to buy for my child. I had begun looking forward to seeing my daughter enjoy a baby sibling. I had surprised my husband in a special way with the news of our growing family. We had started talking about baby names. I had sorted through my maternity clothes. We had decided how we would surprise our families with the good news when it was time. I loved this baby dearly. And then when it was gone I wrestled with the thought, "What if it wasn't really a baby at all?"
I did some research and of course that brought more questions than answers at first. I searched for illustrations of ectopic pregnancies. Those sure look like "real" babies in the fallopian tube. I read to find out whether or not they have heartbeats even though they have not implanted in the uterus. (Yes, some of them do. And even if the heart is not beating it has certainly already formed.) I looked up what parts of the babies body have formed by the time they reach the six and a half week mark and was amazed at how intricate the body of my child must have been already and the details that God had already formed.
Finally, I realized that there was only one place to find the answer I needed. I needed to go to God's Word. I found many verses referring to the womb. God knew me from the time I was in my mother's womb. But my babies were not formed in the womb. They were growing in just the same way, but they were not implanted in my uterus, they were in my fallopian tubes. And then I found it. Jeremiah 1:5 - "Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee." God formed my unborn children in my belly. No, they didn't travel down the tube into my womb, but they were formed in my belly. God could have used the word "womb" both times in this verse, but He didn't. This verse was my promise to claim. No matter how long I was able to carry them I know that He formed them; He created them on purpose.
I dug further. I looked the two words up in the concordance. "Belly - from an unused root probably meaning to be hollow; the belly; also the bosom or body of anything: --belly, body." As I read these words I wept. God used the word "belly" for me. For me. Even before I asked the question, the answer was there. Even before I knew this hurt, the answer was there. Isn't the answer always there? Don't we always find our answers in His Word?
On October 5, 2009 I lost my first baby. On August 16, 2012 I lost another. And yet they were never really mine to lose. God formed them in my belly. He created them because that was His perfect will. They were never meant to be mine. They were always meant to be His. And the wonder of it all is that He chose me to carry them during the brief time they were on this Earth. He chose me to love them and to lose them.
I have hope in my God. Hope that I will someday know the children that I can never know on this planet. Hope in the fact that God has given them perfect bodies and that they are in His presence worshiping Him. In the Bible we read about David losing the baby he had with Bathsheba. 2 Samuel 12:22-23 say "And he said, while the child was yet alive, I fasted and wept; for I said, Who can tell whether GOD will be gracious to me, that the child may live? But now he is dead, wherefore should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me." God had given David peace in knowing that he would one day go to his child who was now in heaven. David's child could not return to him for he had passed away. But David knew he would one day die as well, and when he did he would be in heaven and there meet his child again. I have this same hope. I believe - I have to believe - that when I reach the other side I will worship my Lord and then I will meet these two babies that I love so much but have never yet met.
My eyes will flow without ceasing, without respite, until the Lord from heaven looks down and sees
- Lamentations 3:49-50
Remember your word to your servant, in which you have made me hope. This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life.
- Psalm 119:49-50
As I write about one day being with the Lord in heaven I wonder if you know for certain that you will be there after this life. Although God does love us all, we cannot assume that heaven is our home unless we call Christ our personal Savior. If you have never called on Him to save you, or if you have never really given it much thought, I urge you to visit this page on my church’s website and learn how you can know without a doubt that heaven will be your home when you leave this earth.