Hope Is A Risky Thing

More journaling...

Sunday, 14 October 2012

I am all over the place. Friday I was such a mess and so discouraged. Saturday morning I woke up to very sad news about a sweet family from my church that was dealing with some very tough news about the health of their sweet 18-month-old son. My heart broke for them and I wept and prayed for a long time that morning asking God to please perform a miracle and save their sweet baby. It put things into a different perspective for me. Yes, my circumstances are sad and difficult, but there are others out there hurting far more than I am. And if I can trust God to take care of them, can’t I trust Him to take care of me? And if I can spend time in prayer asking for a miracle for them, why am I so afraid to ask for a miracle for myself?

I managed to fill my time with some good distractions. Friday night we spent the entire evening with some dear friends and just had a blast watching our girls play together at the pumpkin patch and at Incredible Pizza. I was so grateful for the time to get out and enjoy myself and for friends to spend time with. 

Saturday morning I took my daughter to her older cousin’s birthday party and made some really fun memories with her as she tried roller skating for the very first time. (A total disaster - but she loved it!)

I also ran into my former OB/Gyn on Saturday. I know her outside of that role as well and the only reason she is no longer my doctor is because her office doesn’t accept my insurance. But I still trust her very much. I told her about my situation and she asked questions and talked me through a few different things. It was nice to have some confirmation about what I already knew. It’s always good to find even more reason to trust your doctor, so hearing her agree with my current doctor just reassured me that I am in good hands. But a few things she told me gave me reason to open my mind up to something I hadn’t yet allowed - hope. Just the tiniest bit of hope.

So as I have gone through these fun distractions and this talk with my former doctor, I have allowed some of that hope to creep in. It’s terrifying. I want so much for God to perform a miracle for me. I want to find out tomorrow that everything is fine and we were just a day or two too early to see it. I am asking God to hold this baby safely in my uterus and allow me to carry it. But this hope is risky. Because the odds are against me. Because more likely than not, I will not get to have this baby. Statistics say I will get sad news and experience loss again. I didn’t want this hope. I don’t know how to handle it and I know it will make it harder to bear the bad news I’m likely to get tomorrow.

Is it weird that holding onto hope is making this harder for me?


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