The Blessing In The Thorn

What a week it has been. Or perhaps more accurately, what a couple of months it has been. Honestly, I have been surprised at how strong I have been. Maybe this is the “strength in a moment of weakness” that I have heard about. Of course Saturday was difficult for me but then life just kept happening and I chose to let it. I almost felt guilty that I wasn’t moping around more. I have heard so many women say that they have had days where they just couldn’t get out of bed at all. I’m not like that and it sometimes makes me wonder if something is wrong with me. But I think I have figured out a few things about how I deal with my grief.

I think I deal with my grief in spurts. I’m fine, I carry on, I am strong, and then a weak moment comes. Perhaps it’s some kind of reminder, a song I hear on the radio, a picture on Facebook of someone’s newborn, the email I get about my favorite store’s big baby sale. But for that moment I have a mini breakdown. The tears flow and the pain is heavy. And then I decide that I’m done, I can’t go on moaning and weeping like that. And I move on.

Then there are times when the sadness comes out of the blue and holds on tight for a little while. Like the moment I make a mistake and my husband and I start laughing about it. And then I’m laughing so hard the tears start coming. And then in an instant they turn from tears of laughter to tears of sorrow and I don’t know why. And the grief wraps itself around me and holds on so tightly that I can’t breathe. And even when I get control of my breathing the tears keep coming until I ask God to please make them stop because I can’t handle it anymore.

But something I have also realized is that this pain, this experience, has brought me closer to God. Perhaps that sounds cliche, I don’t know, but I can’t remember a time I have ever needed Him this much. I can’t remember ever spending this much time in prayer. Not just the kneeling, formal prayers, but the prayers I breathe from moment to moment and the times I talk to God about how I feel and what I want. I have found myself hoping to know Him more and honor Him more as a result of this whole mess. I want Him to be proud of how I have handled it. And I think losing something - in my case losing my babies, losing the dreams I had for my family - losing something has made me really see what I already have. It makes me really appreciate the amazing life God has given me. When I am driving my daughter to her gymnastics class I am overwhelmed that I have this beautiful, smart, funny little girl, and that I have the resources to take her to a class she loves, that I have a nice car to drive around town in, that I live in this great town in this great country where we all have more than we need, that I have a husband who is working hard at his job to provide for our family, and on and on it goes. And by the time we reach the gym I have counted a hundred blessings - because knowing loss means seeing what you have.

Recently I heard someone at my church sing this song and the words moved me to tears. They were my words and my questions. The truth is I know the answers - I know that God will ultimately use the bad circumstances for good if I allow Him to. And I’m thankful that He hears me when I ask Him, “Lord, when will this get better?”






The Blessing In The Thorn
(performed by Phillips, Craig, & Dean)

I read about a man of God
Who gloried in his weakness
And I wish that I could be
More like Him and less like me
Am I to blame for what I'm not
Or is pain the way God teaches me to grow
I need to know

When does the thorn become a blessing
When does the pain become a friend
When does the weakness make me stronger
When does my faith make me whole again
I want to feel His arms around me
In the middle of my raging storm
So that I can see the blessing in the thorn

I've heard it said the strength of Christ
Is perfect in my weakness
And the more that I go through
The more I prove the promise true
His love will go to any length
And reaches even now to where I am
But tell me once again

When does the thorn become a blessing
When does the pain become a friend
When does the weakness make me stronger
When does my faith make me whole again
I want to feel His arms around me
In the middle of my raging storm
So that I can see the blessing in the thorn

Lord, I have to ask You
On the cross You suffered through
Was there a time You ever doubted
What You already knew.

When does the thorn become a blessing
When does the pain become a friend
When does the weakness make me stronger
When does my faith make me whole again
I want to feel His arms around me
In the middle of my raging storm
So that I can see the blessing in the thorn

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