Another Loss
Friends, to be really transparent I want to share with you that I have experienced another pregnancy loss this week. I know many of you have been praying for me and many of you have expressed interest in my story. Many women in my position are uncomfortable sharing details of their loss, but for me, it is a part of my healing. I am not the kind of person who likes to walk around pretending. I wear my feelings on the outside - it’s just who I am.
So I have decided to share my personal thoughts with you again. My prayer is that someone who is going through something similar will be able to find some comfort here - even if it is only the comfort of knowing that they are not alone. My hope is that I will find a way to bring glory to my God through this loss. And of course, as you read I hope you will pray for me. I feel very strong in the Lord most of the time, but there are many moments where I am low and weak. I need your prayers!
So here is the beginning of the next chapter of my story.
(Update: My intention is not to make anyone who knows me personally feel uncomfortable around me or pity me. That is not what I want or need! It's hard to lose a baby, but my God is good and He is renewing me day by day. Please don't tip-toe around me or feel like you can't act normally. You can! I still have the joy of the Lord!)
Wednesday, 3 October 2012
It has been almost seven weeks since my surgery. Seven weeks ago I lost my baby due to ectopic pregnancy. My body has healed. Emotionally, I still have some work to do. But I know that God is good. I know that now more than ever.
Last night I watched the movie What To Expect When You’re Expecting. That was a stupid thing to do. I thought it looked funny so I rented it. It made me cry instead. It wasn’t just funny stories about people having babies and dads not knowing what to do with them. Among the many stories it told there was a story of loss and two dealing with infertility. It just pulled so many of my emotions back to the surface. For me, it was a seven-tissue movie - and I was holding back the tears as much as I could.
I cried out to God again last night. Lord, I’m so sad. Help me to be patient. Help me to trust You and Your timing. But Lord, please give me another child. Please make my body work properly. I’m so tired of hoping and I’m so tired of being let down.
This morning I realized that almost seven weeks after surgery my cycle still hasn’t returned. That seemed odd to me. It didn’t take nearly this long last time. So I decided to take a pregnancy test. Most times that I take a test my hopes are sky high and my mind races with possibility. Not this time. I was just discouraged because the longer my cycle takes to return the longer I have to wait before trying again. I refused to look before the three minutes were over. As the timer fell under thirty seconds I breathed a quick prayer - almost as if it were out of obligation. Lord, please let it be positive. I didn’t expect Him to answer that one with a “yes” but I had to ask - I always do.
The timer buzzed. And there they were. Two pink lines. Two lines. Two lines? TWO LINES! Can this really be true? I’m pregnant! And instantly - fear. I know my chances are supposed to be better this time. But we weren’t supposed to be “trying” yet. And what if... What if it’s another ectopic and this somehow ruins my only remaining fallopian tube? What if it’s too good to be true again? No, I refuse to think like that. But I refuse to get excited either. Until I see an ultrasound of a baby in my uterus I will remain emotionless. Maybe.
So I have decided to share my personal thoughts with you again. My prayer is that someone who is going through something similar will be able to find some comfort here - even if it is only the comfort of knowing that they are not alone. My hope is that I will find a way to bring glory to my God through this loss. And of course, as you read I hope you will pray for me. I feel very strong in the Lord most of the time, but there are many moments where I am low and weak. I need your prayers!
So here is the beginning of the next chapter of my story.
(Update: My intention is not to make anyone who knows me personally feel uncomfortable around me or pity me. That is not what I want or need! It's hard to lose a baby, but my God is good and He is renewing me day by day. Please don't tip-toe around me or feel like you can't act normally. You can! I still have the joy of the Lord!)
Wednesday, 3 October 2012
It has been almost seven weeks since my surgery. Seven weeks ago I lost my baby due to ectopic pregnancy. My body has healed. Emotionally, I still have some work to do. But I know that God is good. I know that now more than ever.
Last night I watched the movie What To Expect When You’re Expecting. That was a stupid thing to do. I thought it looked funny so I rented it. It made me cry instead. It wasn’t just funny stories about people having babies and dads not knowing what to do with them. Among the many stories it told there was a story of loss and two dealing with infertility. It just pulled so many of my emotions back to the surface. For me, it was a seven-tissue movie - and I was holding back the tears as much as I could.
I cried out to God again last night. Lord, I’m so sad. Help me to be patient. Help me to trust You and Your timing. But Lord, please give me another child. Please make my body work properly. I’m so tired of hoping and I’m so tired of being let down.
This morning I realized that almost seven weeks after surgery my cycle still hasn’t returned. That seemed odd to me. It didn’t take nearly this long last time. So I decided to take a pregnancy test. Most times that I take a test my hopes are sky high and my mind races with possibility. Not this time. I was just discouraged because the longer my cycle takes to return the longer I have to wait before trying again. I refused to look before the three minutes were over. As the timer fell under thirty seconds I breathed a quick prayer - almost as if it were out of obligation. Lord, please let it be positive. I didn’t expect Him to answer that one with a “yes” but I had to ask - I always do.
The timer buzzed. And there they were. Two pink lines. Two lines. Two lines? TWO LINES! Can this really be true? I’m pregnant! And instantly - fear. I know my chances are supposed to be better this time. But we weren’t supposed to be “trying” yet. And what if... What if it’s another ectopic and this somehow ruins my only remaining fallopian tube? What if it’s too good to be true again? No, I refuse to think like that. But I refuse to get excited either. Until I see an ultrasound of a baby in my uterus I will remain emotionless. Maybe.
Kristi, you are a blessing. None of us wish to go through this just to bless others, but nonetheless, you are blessing others and pointing them to Christ. He is the ultimate Healer. Good job.
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