Not The Bad News I Expected
Still more of my thoughts “in the moment” from last week.
Tuesday, 16 October 2012 - 7:17 a.m.
I am way too hopeful this morning. The more I think about the differences between my recent ectopic pregnancy and this pregnancy the more I think I may have a chance this time. There are just so many things I can’t shake. I have all these pregnancy symptoms. I have had the familiar nausea that I experienced when I was pregnant with my daughter. I didn’t have that with either of my ectopic pregnancies. My breasts have been sore, I have had cravings (although that has never been entirely limited to pregnancy for me), and I have had food aversions - which is a major signal for me that I’m pregnant. With my successful pregnancy the food aversions were drastic for the first trimester. My sense of smell is heightened. All these signs point to pregnancy and I did not experience them with either of my ectopic pregnancies. However, I know many doctors blame these symptoms on pregnancy hormones and not necessarily on the pregnancy itself. And my hormone levels are much higher than they previously were. But that’s not a guarantee that the pregnancy is in the uterus.
But honestly, I have now allowed myself to imagine a good outcome. Before last night, I was only trying to prepare myself to handle the bad news. I didn’t let myself envision a happy appointment. But now I find myself imagining that we do an ultrasound and suddenly we see exactly what we want to see. It’s scary.
Either way, in two hours I hope to know something more conclusive.
Tuesday, 16 October 2012 - 2:23 p.m.
I got bad news. But not the bad news I expected.
I found out that my hormone levels did not increase as they should have over the last three days. In fact, they decreased from 1965 to 1904. They should doubling every 48-72 hours, so this was a bad sign. The doctor talked with me about what our next step should be because this third ectopic pregnancy meant I should not try to conceive naturally again. She said the only treatment that was an option for me was IVF - a very expensive procedure that we are not sure we would want to pursue. She handed me a tissue on our way to the ultrasound room and I wiped away my silent tears wondering why this was happening again.
And then we did the ultrasound. “I don’t want to give you any false hope,” she said. “But there is a sac in the uterus.” It was not normal and didn’t look like it should at this stage in my pregnancy. So she determined that it was not a viable pregnancy. She then looked in my only remaining fallopian tube for evidence of an ectopic pregnancy. There was none.
This is not an ectopic pregnancy.
I felt relief. A very bittersweet relief since I cannot keep this baby. But I was so grateful to know that this doesn’t have to be my last chance. My fertilized egg had made its way into my uterus. My thoughts are that perhaps the problems this time were due to how quickly I had become pregnant after my treatment and surgery. My body wasn’t ready, there may have still been remnants of pain medications or other drugs they used to treat the previous ectopic pregnancy in my system. This wasn’t meant to be. But it wasn’t impossible either. We can try again.
So now I wait. I sit at home and wait to miscarry this baby. It is very hard to walk around with a baby inside of you that you know you will never hold. I wish I could save it. I would give anything to save it. But it is not meant to be and I have to continue trusting that God has a plan for me and my family. I will keep waiting on Him.
Four pregnancies and only one child.
Tuesday, 16 October 2012 - 7:17 a.m.
I am way too hopeful this morning. The more I think about the differences between my recent ectopic pregnancy and this pregnancy the more I think I may have a chance this time. There are just so many things I can’t shake. I have all these pregnancy symptoms. I have had the familiar nausea that I experienced when I was pregnant with my daughter. I didn’t have that with either of my ectopic pregnancies. My breasts have been sore, I have had cravings (although that has never been entirely limited to pregnancy for me), and I have had food aversions - which is a major signal for me that I’m pregnant. With my successful pregnancy the food aversions were drastic for the first trimester. My sense of smell is heightened. All these signs point to pregnancy and I did not experience them with either of my ectopic pregnancies. However, I know many doctors blame these symptoms on pregnancy hormones and not necessarily on the pregnancy itself. And my hormone levels are much higher than they previously were. But that’s not a guarantee that the pregnancy is in the uterus.
But honestly, I have now allowed myself to imagine a good outcome. Before last night, I was only trying to prepare myself to handle the bad news. I didn’t let myself envision a happy appointment. But now I find myself imagining that we do an ultrasound and suddenly we see exactly what we want to see. It’s scary.
Either way, in two hours I hope to know something more conclusive.
Tuesday, 16 October 2012 - 2:23 p.m.
I got bad news. But not the bad news I expected.
I found out that my hormone levels did not increase as they should have over the last three days. In fact, they decreased from 1965 to 1904. They should doubling every 48-72 hours, so this was a bad sign. The doctor talked with me about what our next step should be because this third ectopic pregnancy meant I should not try to conceive naturally again. She said the only treatment that was an option for me was IVF - a very expensive procedure that we are not sure we would want to pursue. She handed me a tissue on our way to the ultrasound room and I wiped away my silent tears wondering why this was happening again.
And then we did the ultrasound. “I don’t want to give you any false hope,” she said. “But there is a sac in the uterus.” It was not normal and didn’t look like it should at this stage in my pregnancy. So she determined that it was not a viable pregnancy. She then looked in my only remaining fallopian tube for evidence of an ectopic pregnancy. There was none.
This is not an ectopic pregnancy.
I felt relief. A very bittersweet relief since I cannot keep this baby. But I was so grateful to know that this doesn’t have to be my last chance. My fertilized egg had made its way into my uterus. My thoughts are that perhaps the problems this time were due to how quickly I had become pregnant after my treatment and surgery. My body wasn’t ready, there may have still been remnants of pain medications or other drugs they used to treat the previous ectopic pregnancy in my system. This wasn’t meant to be. But it wasn’t impossible either. We can try again.
So now I wait. I sit at home and wait to miscarry this baby. It is very hard to walk around with a baby inside of you that you know you will never hold. I wish I could save it. I would give anything to save it. But it is not meant to be and I have to continue trusting that God has a plan for me and my family. I will keep waiting on Him.
Four pregnancies and only one child.
Kristi, I know you don't like hugs, but everytime I read your blog, I want to hug you! I am praying for you, always. Our God is good and He has something so wonderful in store for you. Keep praising Him! You have no idea how much of a blessing you have been to me.
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