More Fear When I Want To Rejoice
Here are two more of my journal entries from a couple of weeks ago when I found out I was pregnant. I have left them unedited - they are reflections of how I felt in the moment.
Thursday, 4 October 2012
It is so weird that I’m not excited about this. I’m happy, but not excited. And that is really not like me. I just feel very reserved about the whole thing.
Last night when David came home I told him right away that I was pregnant. Actually, I had Penny waiting at the door in her “Best Big Sis” T-shirt holding the pregnancy test. (I bought the shirt during the last pregnancy in anticipation of using it to announce to our families that we were expecting. We never got to do that.) She was cute. I told him about taking the test and he asked how I felt about it and I said I was happy but afraid to be excited or get my hopes up. We didn’t talk about it very much after that. Last time (just a couple of months ago) we spent days talking about it - about how great the timing was, about the possibility of having a boy, about what names we liked. We talked about it a lot. But talking about it this time is the last thing I want to do. How sad is that?
I know my chances of an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy are high. The more you have, the higher the risk; and I’ve already had two. (One doctor told me that a woman who has had two or more ectopic pregnancies is at a 80% risk for any pregnancy thereafter to be ectopic.) But I also know that since I just had surgery to remove my blocked tube, the risk has come back down a little. And the doctor confirmed just seven weeks ago that my remaining tube looks very good. Also, when I became pregnant with my daughter who is now two years old, it was right after a similar surgery due to my first ectopic pregnancy. My doctor had told me at that time that since this type of surgery clears out the tubes it is not uncommon for women to get pregnant very soon after. And honestly, I don’t have those gut feelings I had last time where I just knew something was wrong. But after what I have been through, I almost feel like I have been robbed of my hope. I have been jaded and now I know how risky it is to get excited about something that may not happen. I have had my heart broken and I’m afraid to trust again.
This morning I had an appointment with my regular doctor just to confirm the pregnancy and get a referral to my OB/Gyn. She did confirm the pregnancy and also sent me to the lab to have blood drawn. I should hear by some time tomorrow how far along I am and from there I will find out when I get to have an ultrasound to confirm that the pregnancy is in the uterus (I hope).
It’s just frustrating that instead of celebrating I feel somber and almost depressed. Perhaps some of my moodiness is due to hormone changes - and my hormones sure have been through a LOT in the last few months. But I hope that once things are confirmed and I get a good report I can move forward with joy and excitement!
Wednesday, 10 October 2012
I have been up and down so many times during this last week. Sometimes I will have a fleeting thought about preparing the new baby’s room or shopping for some new maternity clothes. But then I shut it down. I am so scared to think like that - to think about getting ready for a baby. Because the odds are against me. Only one of my three previous pregnancies has resulted in a birth. And with each loss, my risk for another one has gotten higher.
Sometimes I have pains in my abdomen. They are very brief but they terrify me. Several times I have even felt pain on my right side which is odd since that is the tube they removed just two months ago. I guess you could call them phantom pains. I think my mind is just going a little bit crazy because I’m trying not to let it go anywhere. I don’t want to get my hopes up but I don’t want to be a pessimist either. So instead of expecting the worst or hoping for the best, I’m just trying not to feel anything at all. Obviously it’s not working.
I realized yesterday that I have never been able to have a normal happy reaction to a positive pregnancy test. The reaction has always been fear. Isn’t that strange? I have an appointment with my OB/GYN to have an ultrasound in two days. In two days I will know if I have a chance at having this baby or if I’m about to go through the nightmare of losing a baby all over again. The waiting is certainly difficult.
Lord, please quiet my mind. Please help me to remember that you are sovereign and that you have a plan regardless of what happens with this pregnancy. Please help me to glorify you whether in joy or in sorrow. But Lord, I beg you to please keep this baby safe and healthy in my womb. Please let this baby grow inside me and join our family. Please don’t let me lose another one. Nevertheless, not my will, but Yours.