The Appointment
More journal entries from the continuing story of my pregnancy and loss:
Friday, 12 October 2012 - 7:28 a.m.
I am terrified.
The waiting is driving me crazy. I have had time for each possible scenario to go through my head a thousand times. (1) It’s ectopic - My heart will break. (2) It’s in the uterus - I will rejoice but still harbor some fear as to whether this is all too good to be true. (3) It’s inconclusive - I’ll have to wait to find out for sure, but I will feel certain that it’s another ectopic pregnancy.
It’s terrible to be thinking like this. I know my God can do this miracle. I know He is bigger than all of this. And I know His word tells me not to worry but to bring it to Him and accept the peace He will give me. I was doing pretty well until last night. Within one hour I received two separate messages from close friends about potentially life-changing terrible news. My friends’ hearts were breaking. They were afraid too. They were asking God for the same thing I was - grace. My heart dropped in my chest and the fear overwhelmed me. The shadows grew and so did my worry.
Last night I poured my heart out to God - again. I know that He hears me and I know that regardless of what happens during today’s ultrasound that He will be with me and He will take me through whatever comes next. In less than three hours I should know what that will be. But for now, I just need to claim His promises.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.
- Philippians 4:6-9
And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
- Philippians 4:19
From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
- Psalm 61:2
The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace.
- Exodus 14:14
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
- Proverbs 3:5-6
He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.
- Psalm 147:3
But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
- Matthew 6:33
Lord, I am afraid. I’m afraid of going through the pain of losing another baby. I’m afraid that if I lose this one I will lose all of the hope I have. You know the dream I have for my family. I am asking You, begging You, to please allow this miracle in our lives. Please hold this baby safely in my uterus and allow him or her to grow. Please let me carry this baby to full-term and raise him or her to know and love You. Nevertheless, not my will but Thine. I know that you are holy and You are sovereign and I trust your plan for me. I am so very grateful for the family you have already given me - for the amazing, strong husband who has been by my side through everything and for the sweet, beautiful little girl who brightens my every day. Thank You for trusting me with them and please help me to live my life according to Your will so that I can help them be the best they can be - just as they help me. And if my family is complete just the way that it is now, it is still better than I ever dreamed and more than I deserve. I will choose to trust You and Your plan no matter what happens in the next few hours. Most of all Lord, work in me, mold me, and use me. Don’t let me waste my life and my experiences. Help me to grow closer to You and encourage others to do the same no matter what my circumstances are. Help me to glorify You. I love You and I need You now as much as I ever have. Please pour your peace over me today. And I will trust You and lean on You.
Friday, 12 October 2012 - 4:39 p.m.
It’s happening again.
My heart was pounding as the nurse called my name. The doctor came right away - so I knew she was already concerned. They wasted no time getting to the ultrasound. We couldn’t see anything. The tears rolled down my face as the doctor told me that perhaps it was just too early to see anything. It was like my life was on replay. These were the same words she spoke to me just two months ago. As the tears rolled down my face she said, “Try not to panic yet. I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I know nothing I say will be able to do that.” And just like that I was off to the lab for more blood tests. Since it’s Friday I have to wait all weekend to find out what my hcG levels are and if they are going up like they are supposed to or not. I already know what they’ll say though.
I feel numb. I feel hopeless. I feel sad.
I have been really nervous from the beginning. There were so many bad omens. I didn’t want to believe that’s what they were, but now I see it. This week has just been a stream of bad news from so many people that I love. I was bound to be next. I have no idea what God is trying to show me.
A third ectopic pregnancy changes everything. I have to reevaluate what I am doing. I have to decide if it is worth taking this risk again. The more I try for another child the more dangerous it gets for me and I am risking losing my ability to get pregnant altogether. No woman should have to weigh in her mind whether or not she should keep trying to get pregnant.
I heard this song today by Matthew West. I have his music on repeat on my iPod right now. It has ministered to my heart so much. As broken as my heart is I still know that my God is in control. I have no idea what He is doing with me right now or why He has allowed this again but I know that if I allow Him to He will show me a better blessing. I don’t know that I will be ready to see it for a while, but I have faith that I eventually will.
My Finest Hour
by Matthew West
The king of contradictions strikes again
You said the last to cross the finish line will win
And the beggars will be millionaires someday
And the humble ones are gonna have their say
Well all my friends are gone now
And all my money's gone now
And all my pride is gone now
And if what you say is true now
This will be my finest hour
This will be my finest hour
Well everything is opposite down here
The strong survive and the rest just disappear
But your philosophy is more unique
You say I'll be stronger when I'm weak
This will be my finest hour
This will be my finest hour
It's two a.m. and sleepless
I'm wide awake and restless
I don't know know what my deal is
I've never felt so helpless
I need you more than ever
Well I don't understand it
I don't think I'll ever comprehend it
It's so hard to conceive it
So I guess I'll just believe it
This will be my finest hour
This will be my finest hour
What I want even more than to keep this baby is to glorify my God. And if going through all of this again is what it takes to bring glory to Him, then so be it. But for now I just need some more time to absorb it.
My husband seems to think I’m giving up hope too soon. He said that we don’t really know anything one way or the other and that there is still a chance that everything is fine. He doesn’t want me to lose faith in God’s ability to give us this miracle. And honestly, I know that God can do this. But I don’t know that He will. And to hold on to hope the way I did last time only to have it crushed once again would be devastating for me. I guess after being hurt so many times before I just can’t bear to get my hopes up and then be hurt again. So I have to keep my guard up and start preparing for the worst - preparing for what to me seems to be inevitable. It’s time to say goodbye again.
I will never stop asking God for another child. But I will accept the fact that it may not be in His plans for me.
Friday, 12 October 2012 - 7:28 a.m.
I am terrified.
The waiting is driving me crazy. I have had time for each possible scenario to go through my head a thousand times. (1) It’s ectopic - My heart will break. (2) It’s in the uterus - I will rejoice but still harbor some fear as to whether this is all too good to be true. (3) It’s inconclusive - I’ll have to wait to find out for sure, but I will feel certain that it’s another ectopic pregnancy.
It’s terrible to be thinking like this. I know my God can do this miracle. I know He is bigger than all of this. And I know His word tells me not to worry but to bring it to Him and accept the peace He will give me. I was doing pretty well until last night. Within one hour I received two separate messages from close friends about potentially life-changing terrible news. My friends’ hearts were breaking. They were afraid too. They were asking God for the same thing I was - grace. My heart dropped in my chest and the fear overwhelmed me. The shadows grew and so did my worry.
Last night I poured my heart out to God - again. I know that He hears me and I know that regardless of what happens during today’s ultrasound that He will be with me and He will take me through whatever comes next. In less than three hours I should know what that will be. But for now, I just need to claim His promises.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.
- Philippians 4:6-9
And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
- Philippians 4:19
From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
- Psalm 61:2
The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace.
- Exodus 14:14
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
- Proverbs 3:5-6
He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.
- Psalm 147:3
But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
- Matthew 6:33
Lord, I am afraid. I’m afraid of going through the pain of losing another baby. I’m afraid that if I lose this one I will lose all of the hope I have. You know the dream I have for my family. I am asking You, begging You, to please allow this miracle in our lives. Please hold this baby safely in my uterus and allow him or her to grow. Please let me carry this baby to full-term and raise him or her to know and love You. Nevertheless, not my will but Thine. I know that you are holy and You are sovereign and I trust your plan for me. I am so very grateful for the family you have already given me - for the amazing, strong husband who has been by my side through everything and for the sweet, beautiful little girl who brightens my every day. Thank You for trusting me with them and please help me to live my life according to Your will so that I can help them be the best they can be - just as they help me. And if my family is complete just the way that it is now, it is still better than I ever dreamed and more than I deserve. I will choose to trust You and Your plan no matter what happens in the next few hours. Most of all Lord, work in me, mold me, and use me. Don’t let me waste my life and my experiences. Help me to grow closer to You and encourage others to do the same no matter what my circumstances are. Help me to glorify You. I love You and I need You now as much as I ever have. Please pour your peace over me today. And I will trust You and lean on You.
Friday, 12 October 2012 - 4:39 p.m.
It’s happening again.
My heart was pounding as the nurse called my name. The doctor came right away - so I knew she was already concerned. They wasted no time getting to the ultrasound. We couldn’t see anything. The tears rolled down my face as the doctor told me that perhaps it was just too early to see anything. It was like my life was on replay. These were the same words she spoke to me just two months ago. As the tears rolled down my face she said, “Try not to panic yet. I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I know nothing I say will be able to do that.” And just like that I was off to the lab for more blood tests. Since it’s Friday I have to wait all weekend to find out what my hcG levels are and if they are going up like they are supposed to or not. I already know what they’ll say though.
I feel numb. I feel hopeless. I feel sad.
I have been really nervous from the beginning. There were so many bad omens. I didn’t want to believe that’s what they were, but now I see it. This week has just been a stream of bad news from so many people that I love. I was bound to be next. I have no idea what God is trying to show me.
A third ectopic pregnancy changes everything. I have to reevaluate what I am doing. I have to decide if it is worth taking this risk again. The more I try for another child the more dangerous it gets for me and I am risking losing my ability to get pregnant altogether. No woman should have to weigh in her mind whether or not she should keep trying to get pregnant.
I heard this song today by Matthew West. I have his music on repeat on my iPod right now. It has ministered to my heart so much. As broken as my heart is I still know that my God is in control. I have no idea what He is doing with me right now or why He has allowed this again but I know that if I allow Him to He will show me a better blessing. I don’t know that I will be ready to see it for a while, but I have faith that I eventually will.
My Finest Hour
by Matthew West
The king of contradictions strikes again
You said the last to cross the finish line will win
And the beggars will be millionaires someday
And the humble ones are gonna have their say
Well all my friends are gone now
And all my money's gone now
And all my pride is gone now
And if what you say is true now
This will be my finest hour
This will be my finest hour
Well everything is opposite down here
The strong survive and the rest just disappear
But your philosophy is more unique
You say I'll be stronger when I'm weak
This will be my finest hour
This will be my finest hour
It's two a.m. and sleepless
I'm wide awake and restless
I don't know know what my deal is
I've never felt so helpless
I need you more than ever
Well I don't understand it
I don't think I'll ever comprehend it
It's so hard to conceive it
So I guess I'll just believe it
This will be my finest hour
This will be my finest hour
What I want even more than to keep this baby is to glorify my God. And if going through all of this again is what it takes to bring glory to Him, then so be it. But for now I just need some more time to absorb it.
My husband seems to think I’m giving up hope too soon. He said that we don’t really know anything one way or the other and that there is still a chance that everything is fine. He doesn’t want me to lose faith in God’s ability to give us this miracle. And honestly, I know that God can do this. But I don’t know that He will. And to hold on to hope the way I did last time only to have it crushed once again would be devastating for me. I guess after being hurt so many times before I just can’t bear to get my hopes up and then be hurt again. So I have to keep my guard up and start preparing for the worst - preparing for what to me seems to be inevitable. It’s time to say goodbye again.
I will never stop asking God for another child. But I will accept the fact that it may not be in His plans for me.
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