Sometimes Waiting Is The Hardest Part

More of my ups and downs reflected in my journal entries. It’s amazing how crazy your brain goes when you are just waiting for news - knowing it could either be wonderful or devastating.

Monday, 15 October 2012  - 7:45 a.m.

Last night I started spotting. A big sign that this is probably ectopic. I don’t know why I’m acting like I’m not sure if it is or not - it is. It’s just really hard to let go of my dream like this. I had two vivid dreams last night.  In one, I found out it was ectopic and cried and cried. In the other, I found out my pregnancy hormone levels were normal which was a good sign - but still not complete affirmation. Dreams are just dreams anyway - just my subconscious thoughts coming out.

My doctor’s office opens at 8:00. I’m just waiting on my daughter to wake up so I can go get another blood test and hopefully find out the results of the one on Friday. I swear, if I never had blood drawn again it would be too soon. Unfortunately, if they treat this ectopic pregnancy with the methotrexate shot I’ll have to go in once a week until my levels are back down to their normal, non-pregnant numbers. It’s just a painful reminder that something is wrong when you have your blood tested so often.

I’m mostly tired of going through these days and weeks of not knowing. And whatever happens today, I know that my waiting and hoping is not over. And it won’t ever be over until I have another sweet baby in my arms.

Monday, 15 October 2012 - 8:15 p.m.

I have been through so many emotions this past week. Today I have spent some time being sad, but mostly being a zombie. I still have no answers. I saw the nurse this morning and she told me my levels were at almost 2,000 last Friday. They wanted them to be higher but they were pretty close to being okay. According to my own research they should have been around 10,000. I asked if we could do an ultrasound, but she told me I needed to wait until tomorrow. So I went to the lab to have another blood test and made an appointment to see my doctor tomorrow morning.

Still no answers. But in my mind I knew that the numbers weren’t high enough. They wanted to give me hope, but I’m not that stupid. Or am I? I was a zombie all day and told myself that there was no use in crying because crying wouldn’t change the outcome. I went on with my scheduled plans and regular routine knowing that I couldn’t keep the baby inside of me. But I called my former OB/Gyn this evening - the one I had run into on Saturday. After telling her where my levels were she agreed that they should be higher but told me that although they used to expect the hormone levels to double every 48 hours they have now realized that for some women the levels only double every 72 hours or so. She said it was possible that my levels were just rising slower than what most people see and there was a chance that everything could be fine. She also said that if my levels were as low as they were the day of my ultrasound that I was probably too early to see anything either way. She said that my doctor was right to order another blood test and schedule an ultrasound for tomorrow morning.

Now I have this hope creeping in again. Now I’m in for another night of vivid dreams and terrible sleep and waking up early because I’m so anxious. I am still, after two weeks and three doctor’s visits, begging God to allow me to have this baby. And I still have no idea what is going to happen. I try to assume that I’ll get bad news tomorrow - to prepare for the worst. Because that’s safer emotionally than getting excited about the small possibility that things could go well. But trying to stay guarded is not always easy. I know that my God can perform miracles and I’m so desperate for Him to perform one for me.

This hope is so scary for me.


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