The Turning Point

Friday, 12 April 2013

7:30 a.m.

It’s so easy to be upset in situations like this. But I have always asked the Lord to keep me from going blind with my pain and to keep me from being bitter. I’m human, and there are times where I let my own self-pity take over. But these past few days God has kept my eyes open to the little comforts that He has provided for me.

If you hate animals, or just cats, you won’t understand this. My cat always sleeps by me at night, all night, when I’m pregnant. Usually she starts snuggling up to me at night before I even know I’m pregnant. She snuggles right up next to my belly if possible and just purrs and purrs. But a few nights ago she didn’t visit me at all. It was very sad for me. I assumed it meant she already knew that the baby was in danger, or had already passed away inside of me. But the very next night, when I couldn’t sleep at all and my spirit was so overwhelmed, she stayed by my side. No matter how I tossed and turned, she stayed right there, snuggled more closely to me than usual. It was as if God was using her as a little comfort to me. I’m glad I had my eyes open to appreciate it.

Last night my husband had his evening class, as usual. He got home with just enough time to put our daughter to bed and he still hadn’t had dinner. But rather than going through his usual routine, he sat with me and talked and talked for the longest time. We had such meaningful conversation, about the baby, my infertility, the decisions that will probably need to be made, our family. He really made me feel better about the fact that our family dynamic will not be what I always imagined it to be - multiple kids running around. He pointed out all of the good things about having just one child. We talked a lot about the spiritual side of things - how this has affected each of us and what we wanted to do with it. It was a huge comfort to have him there by my side, going through this with me, meeting my needs and lifting me up. It’s easy for me to forget that this affects him. He doesn’t feel the loss the same way I do. A lot of men don’t experience that deep sadness the way their wife does. But he hates to see me suffer physically and emotionally, over and over. And he has been so good to find out what I need from him and help me through each painful step of this journey. I praise God for bringing me a godly, loving husband who treats me with such importance.

This morning I am up before anyone else in my house. I will go back to the doctor’s office in just a little while to confirm the ectopic pregnancy and treat it with methotrexate. Just a little bit ago I sat down to read my Bible. My mind is already swirling and I was afraid that I wouldn’t get much out of my reading in Joshua. But when I opened my Bible app on my iPad, there was the verse of the day. I felt as if it had been chosen just for me on this day.

“As you do not know the way the spirit comes to the bones in the womb of a woman with child, so you do not know the work of God who makes everything.”

- Ecclesiastes 11:5

This verse brought so many others to mind. Verses that tell me that God has always known how many days each of my children would live. That He has formed them just as they are. That His ways are higher than my ways. And that if I seek His will I will be blessed. These were things I needed to remember this morning.

2:50 p.m.

I didn’t get the methotrexate shot. Instead I came home with an ultrasound picture. We are definitely not out of the woods yet, but there is room for hope.

I went to my appointment alone. I felt very numb and just wanted to get it over with and try to remain as emotionless as possible. I had the first appointment of the day, so I didn’t have to wait at all. The doctor saw me right away. He got right to business doing the ultrasound to confirm that the pregnancy was ectopic. I didn’t even look at the screen. Or at the doctor. Or at the nurse. I just looked at the ceiling and hoped he would hurry. A few minutes passed this way.

Then he said he saw a sac.

What? He saw a sac. And it looked like it should. It took him a little while to find it, but there it was. But when I asked him what it meant, he said that it meant things looked hopeful. He didn’t confirm an ectopic pregnancy, but he didn’t confirm a viable pregnancy either. He just said that there is definitely something in the uterus and that’s a good sign. He showed me the gestational sac with the little dot in the middle - the yolk sac.

I’m so scared to get my hopes up. So very scared.

I have another appointment first thing Monday morning to see what’s going on. More waiting. But hope - something I didn’t think I would have.

8:20 p.m.

I didn’t want this to happen. But I have gotten my hopes up. Already. As in, I figured out my probable due date, decided that Mothers Day will be the perfect day to tell our families, imagined a little baby in my arms by Christmas-time.

That’s dangerous. I shouldn’t have done it. But my husband made it happen.

This afternoon I asked him how he was doing and what he was thinking. He said, “I don’t know.” But then I asked him to just be honest with me. I told him I could handle whatever he was thinking. So he told me that when he didn’t hear from me within an hour after my appointment he thought I would probably come home and tell him that we didn’t do methotrexate. I asked him if he had a good feeling about this one and he said he did. And that was all it took for me to decide that I think this could be the one. I mean, my doctor said he saw a gestational sac with a yolk sac forming - that’s my baby. My sweet child whom I already love deeply.

I don’t know what I’m going to do if I lose this one.