I want to preface this post by simply saying thank you to YOU. You who are reading this. You have encouraged me just by reading what I write and by praying for me as I know you have. If you read my previous post, A Mother's Day Prayer, you have already learned my fantastic news. I am expecting a healthy, MIRACLE baby! I am nearing the end of my first trimester and have passed the point of any concerns from my doctor.
I am excited to share my journey with you and plan to simply post one journal entry each day this week in order to share with you the way things unfolded for me. The outlook at times has been very bleak but my God has been with me every step of the way. Now I can see that He truly does have a purposeful plan for me and for my family!
This latest chapter of my life began on April 6th, and that is what I will share with you today.
Saturday, 6 April 2013
Why does this always happen to me on the weekend?
Tomorrow is my due date. Not that I’m nine months pregnant, but had I not lost my sweet Leilani Rose last August, tomorrow would have been my due date. I have been dreading this weekend because I knew it would be really hard for me. I didn’t have due dates with any of the other babies. I never bothered looking it up because I was so terrified. All I know is that sometime near this weekend, I was supposed to have a new baby in my arms - a baby I really felt in my gut was a girl, although we never made it far enough to find out if that was true. Last August I found out she never made it to my uterus and my heart broke as they told me I would have to let her go.
During the last weeks I had two close friends give birth to sweet new babies. It was hard for me because I knew we should have been pregnant together and had new babies together. I’m so happy for them and for the new little bundles God has given them, but it sometimes reminds me that my arms are empty.
This morning I woke up very early. At 5:15 I decided to get up and go to the bathroom. I crawled back in bed, still very tired but unable to get to sleep. Usually when that happens it is because something or someone is weighing on my mind. I started talking to God. “Who is it Lord? Who am I supposed to be praying for right now?” I drew a blank. The only thing bothering me was my empty arms. So I prayed. I asked God to give me grace as I meet those new babies this weekend. I asked Him to help me be patient. I asked Him to help me be content. But then I asked Him to please give me another child. I told Him that as many times as He says “not right now” I will accept that. But also that I will never stop asking until He has shown me that his answer is really “no, not ever.” I have read over and over in His Word that He opens and closes wombs and so I begged Him to open mine. I prayed for a long time there in my bed and really cast my burdens on Him.
Finally, at about 6:30 I realized I wasn’t going to get any more sleep so I got out of bed. I went into the bathroom and started counting days. (When you’ve been trying to conceive for two years, that kind of becomes a habit.) I already knew I was late. In fact, I’m ten days late today. But in the past ten days I have taken four pregnancy tests - all negative. I realized that I hadn’t taken a test since Monday and I still am showing no signs of starting my cycle any time soon. I looked under the sink and found one pregnancy test left in the box. I guess I might as well, I thought. I’ll grocery shop on Monday anyway, so I can buy some more then. (Yes, I keep them stocked. My fertility challenged friends will understand.)
I got dressed as I waited the obligatory three minutes. I breathed a prayer begging God for a positive. I always do that, even when I know it won’t be.
It was. It was positive.
And not just kind of, barely positive. It was two super bright pink lines that you can’t miss positive.
I crumpled to the ground, put my hands to my face, and sobbed. Those tears carried so many different emotions: joy, gratefulness, apprehension, fear. I’m terrified. But at the same time, I’m amazed. I just heard my specialist tell me one month ago that he’ll be shocked if I get pregnant without intervention. My God is so big!
But like I said, this stuff always happens to me on the weekend. As far as blood tests to determine how things are going - I have to wait until Monday to even call and schedule that! And I’m supposed to be on progesterone right away. Fortunately, I have some left from my last pregnancy and that should get me through the weekend.
Lord, You know my future. You know the number of days that this little baby will live. You already know the end result. Please give me peace. Please strengthen my body. Please give me a healthy pregnancy and allow me to carry this baby full-term! And no matter what, please help me to praise You!