Laying Down The Burden

Monday, 22 April 2013

I am on such an emotional roller coaster. I guess that’s to be expected. First of all, I’m PREGNANT. (I still can’t believe I get to say that.) Secondly, I have experienced enough loss to know that I can’t take anything for granted.

I have probably cried every day, worrying about this baby. I already love him so much! (I know it might be a girl, but I hate saying “it” and I hate saying “him or her.” So for now, I’ll say “him” until we learn otherwise.) I’m constantly worrying that something bad has happened and I just don’t know it yet. If I go more than three hours without noticing some pregnancy symptom, I freak out. As goofy as it sounds, I would prefer to feel terrible all the time. Because in my last pregnancy, the last time I stopped noticing pregnancy symptoms was just two days before I found out the baby wouldn’t make it.

Then yesterday our pastor preached about bearing burdens. He talked about the emotional baggage we often carry and about laying it down. See, in my head I know I am supposed to trust the Lord. But I think a lot of people think trusting God means trusting that it will all work out fine. And that’s a very naive way of thinking. Because sometimes it doesn’t turn out fine.  Sometimes, the worst thing you can imagine happens. That’s happened to me with four of my five previous pregnancies. So I can’t put blinders on and pretend that I’m certain everything will be fine. I’m not.

But here is what I am learning about trusting the Lord. It doesn’t mean that you will get everything you’ve ever wanted. It doesn’t mean that you can predict your future. It just means that God already knows what will happen. It means that God’s hands are there to hold you. It means that even if the worst should happen, He will be there and He will use it for good. To me, it means that even if I am grieving, I know that God can see the bigger picture of my life and can use any circumstance to make me a better person, a better Christian.

I want so much to lay my emotional burden down. Because I know that worrying and fretting does no good. It won’t keep my baby safe and healthy. It won’t stop bad things from happening. It just robs me of the joy He wants me to have in the meantime. So I know that every single day, and sometimes a million times throughout the day, I have to continually lay that burden down. I have to keep giving it to God, moment by moment. I have to trust that He is always working in my life!

All that being said, I did get another little bit of reassurance today. Yesterday I was rear-ended on my way to church. It wasn’t a terrible wreck, but my back and neck are a little sore and insurance said to get checked out. So I scheduled an appointment with my OB as well, to be sure the baby was okay. Since I’m so early in the pregnancy I knew my body was a great protection for the baby, but I wanted the peace of mind that an ultrasound would give me.

I still get nervous every time they get ready to do the scan. But as soon as I saw the little heart beating I breathed a sigh of relief. Then, for the first time, I was able to hear the heartbeat. It sounded so perfect! Then, finally, the doctor was able to get a good measurement and give me a due date. A due date! I am six weeks and three days pregnant today. That makes my due date December 13th.

My heart is singing. As often as I have been nervous about this pregnancy, I know that for today my baby is perfectly healthy and growing as he should be. And I can’t wait to meet him! God has been so good to me!

Here is sweet Baby P. I know he still looks like a blob, but he’s a much bigger blob than he was last time. I believe the line is right on top of the baby and the blob around it is the yolk sac. This picture says 6 weeks 1 day, but after we snapped photos the doc remeasured and said 6 weeks 3 days was more accurate. Either way, we’re doing great!