Making Sense Of It All

Thursday, 11 April 2013

7:30 a.m.

I slept for a total of two hours last night. That never happens. Usually, even with something huge like this going on, I sleep. Actually, when I’m going through something like this, I usually sleep hard because I’m exhausted from the stress and crying. But last night my brain would not shut off. When I first started to fall asleep I had a dream that convinced me the pregnancy was not ectopic. I woke up and obsessed over that dream and what it could mean. And when I dozed off again my next dream indicated that the pregnancy is definitely ectopic. More obsessing.

I counted the days over and over in my head. I tried to make sense of the HCG levels. The pieces just don’t fit. I know this pregnancy is ectopic. My doctor is an expert. He knows what he is talking about. But I don’t understand why one lab would tell me my levels were 38 on Monday and another would tell me they were 1500 on Wednesday. Someone was wrong. And what if it was Dr. N’s lab? Ugh, I know that’s unlikely.

I know that I’m grasping onto some last sliver of hope. I promised myself I wouldn’t do it, but I think it’s just human nature to find a way to make all of the pieces fit until it’s all over and you realize you can’t. I just need ALL of the information before I take a drug like methotrexate. I don’t want the decision to be in my hands, I need it to be in God’s hands. So until I’m absolutely certain the pregnancy is in my tube, I can’t make a decision about what to do. But if it is ectopic and I wait too long, it could mean another surgery and losing my only tube.

I think that’s what has me stressed. A little bit.

The rest of it is this next huge decision that rests on my shoulders. How many times am I going to do this? Is it irresponsible to try one more time? How do I know what’s right? And if we decide it’s unwise to try again, can I let go of this dream? I have no idea how to do that. How do you say, “We just decided not to try anymore.” Isn’t that giving up? Is that ever the right choice? How do I turn the empty room that was always meant to be a child’s bedroom into a home office or a work space? How do I get rid of all the baby toys, the swing, the crib, the bassinet, and everything else I have stored away until the next baby was to arrive? My heart breaks as I consider this possibility.

I have always said I wanted to be in God’s will. I do want that. More than anything. More than I want a baby. If having another child isn’t in His plans for me, then I don’t want it. But I can’t see his plans. It’s not like I have a copy of a “Book of Plans for Kristi” to refer to. And I’m so scared.

I’m terrified that it will come down to making the decision and I don’t want to make the wrong one. I can’t stop obsessing.

4:00 p.m.

The nurse returned my call this morning and told me that my numbers from Monday were 610, not 38. Whoever had given me my results before had looked at something wrong. So 610 on Monday, 1500 on Wednesday, those numbers make sense. And they mean that something should have been visible on my ultrasound Wednesday. This pregnancy is definitely ectopic. At least now I know.