A Roller Coaster Of Emotions

18 December 2012
7:38 a.m.

I dreamt about the baby. It was wonderful. In my dream we went in for a 4D ultrasound to determine the gender of the baby. It was a boy. And he was beautiful. We were able to see his face very clearly during the ultrasound and he was perfect! I don’t know what that means, but right now I don’t care. I’m just reveling in the memory of that glorious dream.

Last week before I even found out I was expecting I had a dream that I was nine months pregnant and going into labor. I can’t help but hope that these dreams are from the Lord and were sent to ease my mind about this pregnancy. How I long to make it to the gender-check sonogram. How I long to carry this child long enough to go into labor. How I long to see his beautiful face!

Lord, protect this child, Your child. Keep him safe. Help him to grow and to be healthy. Please let me hold him one day!



18 December 2012
1:44 p.m.

It can’t ever just be simple. It can’t be straightforward. Today I was supposed to visit my regular doctor just for a simple pregnancy confirmation and a referral to my OB/Gyn. It should have been, “Congratulations. You’re pregnant. I’ll call your referral in right away and good luck.” Instead the doctor came in and asked me a few more questions. “Have you had a positive home pregnancy test? When was that? Was your cycle normal this last month?” And finally it came. “The line was extremely faint. I can’t say for sure, but that could be an indicator of low hCG levels. With your history I just want to be sure how far along you are. I’m going to order a blood test so that we can get your exact levels and see what’s going on.”

Of course, that doesn’t really mean much. I’m just now four weeks pregnant, so a faint line could be totally normal. I drank a big glass of iced tea about an hour before I went in. (Please tell me I’m not the only one who has a hard time “contributing” to the urine test.) So it is very possible that the diluted urine altered the test. More water in the urine = less hCG detected. A faint line doesn’t have to mean anything bad. But it’s me we’re talking about. The girl who is pregnant for the fifth time but has only one living child. Anything is possible. I’m at a high risk for either an ectopic pregnancy or a miscarriage. And I’m terrified.

“Try not to worry,” they say. I want so much not to worry. But how do I do that? I know... by trusting in the Creator of this child. I need to place this situation in His hands and repeat, “Not my will, but Thine.”

Lord, calm my spirit and erase my worries. I know that worry simply means I’m not trusting you as I should. And worry is robbing me of the joy I am supposed to have even today. I want to savor each moment of this pregnancy, even if only for a couple of weeks. I thank you once again for this gift You have given me - this child You have placed in me. Be with me now, Lord.






To read the previous entry click here: Finding Peace In The Midst Of My Fear

To read the next entry click here: Waiting For Test Results

Comments

  1. Those doctor urine screens are so not sensitive. I've seen this happen to a lot of ladies who go in for a test, and then the doctor says it's negative or barely positive. I wish they wouldn't even use those things! 4 weeks is so early still. I bet everything will keep looking perfect :-) Wanted to wish you luck, and I'll be excited to follow along :-)

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