Saying Goodbye to Jude Michael

Today I say goodbye. No mother should have to do this so many times! This morning I am thinking of a sweet friend of mine who has sent more babies to heaven than I have and I am admiring her strength and her faith. In my mind I have been sitting quietly for these last few days. The initial news was devastating of course, but there haven’t been many tears since then. Yet. I know they will come.

I realized last night that I haven’t really spent much time in prayer since I found out I would lose this baby. That seemed strange to me because I have certainly felt God’s presence and comfort. And I realized that I have been just sitting there next to Him quietly. We do that sometimes with a close friend or family member. Sometimes there isn’t really anything to say, so we just sit there together because just having someone there with you is comforting. I haven’t been looking for any great revelation or meaning. I haven’t been beating my chest and screaming at the sky. I have just been sitting, waiting, absorbing.

Yesterday the bleeding started. Today it is heavy. Today is the day I lose my son. Of course, I don’t really know if this baby is a girl or a boy. But I will never forget that dream I had when I saw his perfect face and fell for him so hard. So in my mind he is a sweet little boy and today is his birthday. I have already chosen a name for him - Jude Michael. Jude means praise, and how I long to praise my heavenly Father, even in this circumstance! Michael means “who is like God?” What a great reminder for me to know that there is none other like my God who is sovereign and holy. No amount of difficulty that I face will ever change that. My heart can break over and over, but my God is still on the throne and still holds me in His hands. So, my little Jude Michael has entered His kingdom and is probably worshipping at His feet even now.

How I long for heaven! How I long to see my Savior face to face and know His full glory! How I long to be united with the children He has given me. When you learn about heaven as a child they tell you about the streets of gold and how no one cries and that there is a great feast and angels. It sounds like a great place and you get excited thinking about it. As you grow older, someone you love passes away and you think about heaven again, only differently this time. It is a place where you will see your loved ones again and never have to say goodbye. And as your relationship with Christ grows deeper you yearn to be with Him away from this world and it’s sin and you see heaven in yet another way. It is the place where you will finally be united with your Creator, where you will be made clean and whole, where you can worship Him in a way you never dreamed possible.

How I long for heaven! I long to see the amazing place God has prepared for me. I long to be reunited with the people I love who are already there - my grandparents, my friends Ashley and  Natasha, other friends and family. I can’t wait to see my Father in His full glory and worship at His feet. I can’t wait to be made whole and holy and be free from the chains of my sin. But now, I also long to be united with four beautiful, perfect, whole children. Four bright faces that I will instantly recognize. And an eternity to get to know these sweet babies of mine and to worship the Lord side by side.

With heaven on my mind, perhaps I can live a better life while I’m here on earth. With heaven on my mind, I hope to make better decisions, to live in the light of eternity, to spend more time and effort telling others about this wonderful place and the God who wants everyone to know Him. I don’t believe that I will ever truly “understand” all the reasons why God has allowed me to experience this heartache. I don’t think I need to. But I know God will use it if I allow Him to. He will use it to show me things I may not have seen otherwise. He will use it to help me see the pain of others. He will use it to help me be an encouragement and to understand things I otherwise would not have understood.

I know the Lord directs my path. The path directly in front of me seems to lead me into the woods right now. I can’t see where it goes. I have no idea what will happen. There may be more mountains, obstacles, twists and turns. Does my path include another pregnancy? I don’t know. Does it include more children? God will decide. In the next few months my husband and I will be praying for clarity and making some difficult decisions. Will you please pray for us as we seek God’s wisdom?

Perhaps you don’t know how to pray for us because you don’t know our Jesus. I want you to know that He loves you and wants you to be his child. Please visit this link to learn how you can know for sure that Jesus is your Savior and that heaven will be your home when you die.


  1. My heart is breaking for you. I just stumbled across your blog and read every post this morning. I admire your strength in the face of all this heartache. You all will definitely be in my prayers!

  2. That's a beautiful post and tribute to your sweet baby. Made me cry! I'm so very sorry for your loss. Rest in peace, sweet Jude Michael. Sending hugs and prayers.


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