The Bad News Is On Repeat

I never thought I would be the mother of five. And I certainly never thought that at age 31 I would have four children in heaven. It’s a hard reality to swallow. And disappointing.

Our pet rabbit is infertile. At least that’s what we think. We bought two bunnies last spring thinking they were both females. We discovered a few months later that one was actually a male! Oops! The female, Daphne, was building a nest - that was our first indication that something was going on. But the baby bunnies never came. She has built a second nest since then, but no babies have ever appeared. Perhaps I should have seen it as some kind of sign or something. Maybe that sounds silly to you, but to me it seems like a reflection of my own life.

I have had three positive pregnancy tests since July. Three in six months. Those little sticks told me that it was time to start building my nest. But the babies never came. And it’s time to face the hard truth - maybe I’m not meant to have more children. After all, I have this amazing little two-year-old that takes my breath away every day. I find myself just absorbed in watching the tiny things she does and marvelling at this precious gift that God gave me. Do most parents have that moment where they are brought nearly to tears just by observing their child and thanking God for her every single day? I don’t know. But I do. I am in awe of this amazing little girl. And maybe that’s enough.

I have lived in fear for two weeks. I have been afraid of the test results, the numbers, the indication that the pregnancy would not progress. Today that call came. And it didn’t surprise me or shock me. In fact, when the phone started ringing and I saw who was calling I simply thought to myself, This is it. The bad news. And it was.

Last Tuesday my pregnancy hormone levels were at 107. Three days later they had almost doubled to 197. But five days after that they had increased by only 15. My hCG quants were only at 212 yesterday. They should have been at least 550. The nurse asked if I wanted to do another test tomorrow. I asked if there was any point and she said that we should probably do one more just to see if we can figure out what’s going on. So I’ll go tomorrow. I’ll go and most likely find out that the numbers have started decreasing. The baby won’t make it.

I haven’t started searching for meaning yet. I have barely begun to process this news. And I don’t plan to rush it. I want God to show me what He will. And I will have some hard decisions to make with my husband and whether or not we should even try again. And in the meantime I will love this little baby as long as he is inside of me, and love him forever, even while he is with his Creator in heaven and I am here on earth.

If I have gained anything by sending four babies to heaven it is this - a greater longing for heaven. A longing to be there with my Savior, with those who have gone before me, with my children. And while I wait, I hope the Lord will use me down here to glorify Him.





THE REASON FOR THE WORLD
by Matthew West

There are no words in times like these
When tears don't hide the tragedies
And all you want is a reason for the world

No comfort in the greeting card
Cause God is good
But life's still hard
and your heart just wants a reason for the world

Maybe the reason for the pain
Is so we would pray for strength
And maybe the reason for the strength
Is so that we would not lose hope
And maybe the reason for all hope
Is so that we could face the world
And the reason for the world
Is to make us long for home

For God so loved your broken heart
He sent his son to where you are
and he died
To give a reason for the world

So lift your sorrows to the one
Whose plan for you has just begun
And rests here in the hands that hold the world

Maybe the reason for the pain
Is so we would pray for strength
And maybe the reason for the strength
Is so that we would not lose hope
And maybe the reason for all hope
Is so that we could face the world
And the reason for the world
Is to make us long for home

Well I know you’re past the point of broken
Surrounded by your fear
I know you're faint and tired and lonely
from the road that you walked down here
But just keep your eyes on heaven
and know that you are not alone
remember the reason for the world

No ear has heard
No eye has seen
Not even in your wildest dreams
A beauty that awaits beyond this world
When you look into the eyes of grace
and hear the voice of mercy say
Child, welcome to the reason for the world