If you’ve struggled getting pregnant, you’ll understand... If not, this may seem strange to you or overly emotional - but for those of us struggling with infertility, this is how it goes.
It’s called the two week wait. When you have been trying (and trying and trying) to get pregnant you know exactly when everything is supposed to happen. You pinpoint when you are ovulating and then you have to wait two weeks to find out if this is the month you’ll finally be pregnant. It’s the longest two weeks. You start to have phantom pregnancy symptoms. Every little stomach ache makes you think, “Maybe this is morning sickness.” You feel so sleepy one evening and go to bed at 9:00 thinking that perhaps you are exhausted because you’re pregnant. You try so hard not to obsess but you do it anyway. And the days drag because you’re waiting for the day when you can take the test.
You never wait until the last day of your cycle to take the test. Every month you say you will wait, but it’s not that easy. You keep a stash of early result tests, which you buy in bulk because you know you’ll need them all. So a few days before your body would have gone ahead and told you that you aren’t pregnant you take the test - just because it’s agony to wait any longer. And when you do, three minutes somehow manages to turn into twenty. Because it’s just more waiting - something you’re so tired of doing.
During that three minutes you have a lot of time to think and to pray. You beg God to please give you a baby. “Please, Lord, let there be two lines this time!” And then the timer goes off, you hold your breath, and you look at that stick - that stick you hate. And like every other time, there is only one line. One little pink line all by itself. Your heart drops into your stomach and your stomach churns and the tears come fast and hot. You told yourself you wouldn’t cry, but you always cry. It doesn’t mean you don’t trust God, it just means you don’t understand. And that you’re hurting. And tired.
If this is your story, please know that I pray for you. I have a list of ladies I am praying for by name each day and I would love to pray for you too. Because no matter how alone you feel, you really aren’t. We are in this together and it is our job to encourage each other and lift one another up in prayer. We need to be there for each other on those hard days. And we need to lean on God and feel His arms wrapped tightly around us rather than shouting at him in anger. Pray and ask Him for wisdom instead of trying to figure it out on your own.
So on those hard days - the days when you take your own test and see yet another negative result - let yourself cry, but only for a few minutes. Then get up, fix your hair and makeup (because feeling pretty helps!), and give yourself a special treat that day. For me it’s a frappe from McDonald’s or a chocolate shake from Braums. Find your own pick-me-up. Then spend some time writing down at least twenty things you’re thankful for. Shift your perspective the best you can and know that I’m here praying for you!
How do you deal with your disappointing test day? Do you have your own way of turning the day around? I’d love to hear your ideas in the comments section!