Help My Unbelief

23 December 2012

I must have overdone it the last few days in preparation for Christmas because today I just do not feel well! Sunday mornings are very hectic for us usually and today was even more hectic than usual. On top of that, I was scheduled to sing a solo in church today and I was nervous about being so fatigued and light-headed and trying to stand and sing. My worst fear was that I might pass out on the platform!

The more time that passed this morning the worse I felt. Nausea, fatigue, dizziness, weakness... What a blessing to feel so very pregnant but what an inconvenient time as well. I decided to forgo singing with the choir so I could sit and rest and eat a tiny snack. I prayed and asked a few others to pray as well - that I would be able to stand and sing and that I could do my best. I wanted the song to be meaningful and to bring the hearts of those in the congregation to a place of worship in preparation for the sermon.

My hands were shaking as I approached the stage. The prayer was said and the music began. And God did a small miracle right then and there for me! It may seem silly to you for me to call it a miracle, but it was something only God could do. As I sang the first notes the shaking stopped, my voice became strong, the dizziness left, and God's peace just washed over my body in a very physical way. My worries vanished and I truly felt and spoke the words of worship during those few minutes. I was overwhelmed as I sang and thought about the love of Jesus and the way he came to earth so humbly as a baby. I sang the words "Wrap our injured flesh around you. Breathe our air and walk our sod. Rob our sin and make us holy,  perfect Son of God." And in that moment I realized for the millionth time how small I am and how great big God is and how amazing it is that He loves me and sent His son to save me when I don't deserve it at all.

As I left the stage the emotions washed over me. I wept as I realized what God was showing me. How petty it is for us to worry as much as we do! How silly to fight for control when the Creator of the universe is sovereign and has our best interest in mind. And what kind of God do I serve that would answer my prayers about something so small like, "Lord, please help me to stand and sing this song?" Why do I trust Him so much with a request like that but not with the life of my unborn child?

What God did for me this morning was so much more than answering a little prayer. He reminded me that he does answer prayer. Not just big prayers and not just tiny prayers but all prayers. And He hears me and knows my heart. It was almost as if I could hear Him saying, "Kristi, trust in me. I do hear your prayers. Have faith and you will move mountains!"

What if my worry is getting in the way of my faith? No, not what if. My worry is getting in the way of my faith. Lord, I believe. Only help my unbelief!

Last night as I lay awake in bed I thought about what Jesus said about faith. If you have faith as a mustard seed you can move a mountain. What does that say about me? I have said so many times that I know God can save this child but I don't know if He will. And that's true - no one can know the future. But I think I spend so much time expecting the worst that I'm not exercising the faith I ought to in the only One who can move these mountains that are in my life - the mountains of infertility and pregnancy loss. I'm so thankful that my Lord took the time today to speak to me in a very real way and remind me to simply trust Him.

Lord, forgive me for my unbelief. Forgive me for being pessimistic. Forgive my fear and weakness. Thank you for showing me today that You are not far away but that You are right here with me, going through this journey with me, fighting the battle for me. Help me to trust you more. Please save this child; protect him (or her) and keep him safe in my womb. Help him to grow to love and serve you and to make a difference in this dark world someday. I truly believe you are not finished with me yet and I am trusting you to add to our family in a wonderful way. Help me when I start to doubt to remember the way You spoke to me this morning. I love you.

Did you miss my last post? Read it here: The End Of The World - Or Maybe Not


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