The Day I Found Out


14 December 2012

I am pregnant.

I didn’t think it would happen again so fast. For fifteen months I waited for a positive pregnancy test without any luck. And then in the last six months I have had three. Three positive tests. No babies. We waited until we were cleared by my doctor to begin trying again after my miscarriage in October. Since I have had two ectopic pregnancies, a surgery to remove one of my fallopian tubes, and an early miscarriage after that I just really didn’t think I would be here again so soon.

I sat there in shock as I saw the results. That faint pink line that was supposed to have me jumping for joy instead brought fear and panic. One single tear fell from my eye and I simply asked God to be with me, to help me get through each day of this pregnancy, and to allow me to carry this baby to full term. Please God, let this baby be the one I get to hold and love and raise. And then I went numb.

I don’t know which emotions to feel. Excitement? I’ve been through too much pain to be ready for excitement. I know what it’s like when it ends badly. Joy? No, I am much more likely to feel fear at this point. Hope? I don’t dare go there. It’s too dangerous.

It’s not fair that I don’t get to enjoy this. No more secret plans about how to reveal the great news to my husband. No special way to involve our daughter in the big reveal. No excitement about choosing names and guessing gender. I don’t have that luxury. I get to wait in fear and endure the longest two to three weeks of my life until my pregnancy is confirmed as viable. Or not viable.

This morning when my husband woke up I simply looked at him and said, “I’m pregnant.” And he wrapped his arms around me and sat on the couch with me and let me cry for a moment and tell him how scared I was. He just listened and held me tight. And then I asked him how he was with the news. “I don’t know yet,” he said. “I just found out five minutes ago.”

My body has been preparing my mind for this news. I have had pregnancy symptoms over the last week or two but had assumed that they were the result of the mess my hormones must be after two recent pregnancies, surgery, fertility drugs, drugs to treat ectopic pregnancy, miscarriage. My goodness, I must be a mess! Nevertheless, I have had bouts of nausea every day this past week. My breasts have been sore - a dead giveaway. I have been tired and have lacked motivation to get things done. My sense of smell has been heightened. And I have been craving my favorite first trimester foods - peanut butter and chocolate milk. I should have known. Part of me hoped it was really pregnancy, but most of me realized that my subconscious could very well be playing tricks on me because it was something I have wanted so badly.

On Tuesday I couldn’t take it anymore. I took an early detection pregnancy test. The box said that you could take it as many as six days before your expected period. I took it five days before. It was negative. I cried, but only for a few minutes and then I picked myself up and decided that I might not be ready anyway. But I couldn’t ignore those symptoms. I needed to know if my body was actually just playing tricks on me. So this morning (three days later) I took the second test. And I am still processing this amazing miracle that God is doing in my life. That’s what it is. A miracle. No matter what happens, it’s always a miracle when God creates a life inside of you.

I have done my research. With the blocked fallopian tube out of the way my chances for ectopic pregnancy are much lower. And the chance of having two miscarriages in a row are less than five percent. But those facts don’t undo the scars that are on my heart. They don’t erase the tragedy that I have experienced. You see, I have three babies in heaven. Three sweet angels that I have yet to meet. And not a day goes by that I don’t think about my sweet Ezra, Leilani, and Nathaniel and long to be with them in heaven someday. So the statistics may be on my side, but I know that the devil is lurking in the shadows just trying to destroy me. He longs to damage my relationship with the Lord. And he attacks where I am most vulnerable - my fertility.

I hope God knocks him out for me this time. I hope He will shield and protect this precious life growing inside of me and allow this baby to grow and be healthy.

And I am coming to a decision. I want to enjoy this pregnancy. No matter how long it lasts, six weeks, eight weeks, twenty weeks, forty weeks. I am going to experience this pregnancy. I will love the child inside of me. I will talk to him, think about him, pray for him (or her), and seek God’s purpose in this pregnancy and in this little one’s life. It’s scary to open myself up in this way - and it will take time for me to get there. But if I have learned anything it is this - that life, especially the life of an unborn child, is a gift. And it is a gift that can be taken away at any time. And I don’t intend to waste any time with this precious little one that God has trusted me with. I already love this child with a mother’s true love!

Holy Spirit, today I certainly need you to to make intercession for me with groanings that cannot be uttered. Please quiet my mind and spirit. Wrap your arms of protection around this beautiful life that you have placed inside of me. Guide my child safely to my womb and plant him firmly there. Please help him to grow and to be healthy. Please help me to trust and glorify You through this pregnancy from start to finish. Please help me to never lose sight of my responsibilities as a mother - responsibilities to love and cherish my children and to raise them to love and honor You. I beg you to give me this child to raise. Let me see him grow up to serve You! And if that is not Your will Lord, then please help me to guard my spirit from bitterness, to trust You, and to point to You in the midst of whatever may befall me. I love you and I thank you for this gift of life. May this precious life be used to glorify you.

For you formed my inward parts;
   you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
   my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
   intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
   the days that were formed for me,
   when as yet there was none of them.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
   I awake, and I am still with you.

Psalm 139:13-18

You can read the next part of my story here: Finding Peace In The Midst Of My Fear


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